1
00:00:16,670 --> 00:00:20,250
So, you see, the thing is, Dad, I could
reapply next year, but if I defer and

2
00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:23,490
try again for Oxford, then I'll probably
lose my place at Bristol, which is a

3
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:25,110
good university, but not my dream.

4
00:00:25,450 --> 00:00:28,130
Do you think it matters in the long
term, or is the subject and standard of

5
00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:29,130
degree more important?

6
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,530
So, I got married.

7
00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:32,710
What? To Susie, we got married.

8
00:00:32,930 --> 00:00:35,170
You mean remarried. This time it's for
keeps, though.

9
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:36,490
When did this happen?

10
00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:37,709
A few weeks ago.

11
00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:40,070
I was going to invite you, but I know
how you are around people.

12
00:00:40,830 --> 00:00:41,830
How am I?

13
00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:43,590
Awkward. Weird.

14
00:00:44,030 --> 00:00:45,050
I don't live in a cave.

15
00:00:45,290 --> 00:00:46,410
I live in suburban London.

16
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,210
I spend my entire life around people.

17
00:00:48,450 --> 00:00:51,290
Much as I'd like to, it's almost
impossible to avoid them. See, this is

18
00:00:51,290 --> 00:00:52,290
what I mean.

19
00:00:52,670 --> 00:00:54,490
Well, was it a big wedding?

20
00:00:54,870 --> 00:00:57,570
No. A couple of hundred close friends
and family.

21
00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:58,790
And it was perfect.

22
00:01:01,950 --> 00:01:04,590
I can't believe you didn't invite me to
your wedding.

23
00:01:05,830 --> 00:01:07,090
So what are you up to this summer?

24
00:01:07,370 --> 00:01:08,370
Oh, you're changing the subject?

25
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:09,169
Mm-hmm.

26
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,430
Fine. I don't know. I guess I'll be
going on holiday.

27
00:01:11,790 --> 00:01:12,790
Oh, this should be good.

28
00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:13,860
What have you got planned?

29
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,460
Trans-Siberian Express.

30
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,840
Fossil hunting in Dorset. Or maybe
something even weirder.

31
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,000
No, actually, something normal.

32
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:24,300
I'm going to go somewhere normal, with
my normal friends, to a place full of

33
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:25,300
normal people.

34
00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:27,100
And you, of course.

35
00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:47,360
In case you were wondering, that was me
with my father.

36
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,660
And this is where I live.

37
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,580
Not with him, but with my mother.

38
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,060
It's a long story.

39
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,000
Well, not that long. He shagged the work
experience girl and then left us. Sort

40
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,000
of cliched, really.

41
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,180
Plus, it only happened two years ago,
which means I don't even get the luxury

42
00:02:00,180 --> 00:02:02,680
of blaming my various personality
defects on their divorce.

43
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:07,120
Anyway, that's how I ended up here. The
very definition of suburbia.

44
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:12,540
Safe, comforting, stifling, boring, and
I couldn't wait to fucking leave.

45
00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:14,420
Maybe that's unfair.

46
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:17,480
As they do say that you never know what
goes on behind the neck curtains of

47
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,080
suburbia. Although in my friend Jay
Cartwright's case, you could have a

48
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,080
pretty good guess.

49
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:30,560
Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?

50
00:02:32,580 --> 00:02:33,720
I'm feeling sexy.

51
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,240
Take off the mask, baby. Let me see you.

52
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:37,500
Nah.

53
00:02:38,820 --> 00:02:42,250
You promised this would be... Properly
filthy, yeah? Oh, yes, like a bomb

54
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:47,530
explode from your penis or sexy like...
Fingered up bumhole. Christ, you make me

55
00:02:47,530 --> 00:02:48,489
so erect.

56
00:02:48,490 --> 00:02:50,530
Oh, yes, you also make me erect.

57
00:02:51,430 --> 00:02:53,110
Now, pudding cart details.

58
00:02:53,770 --> 00:02:56,850
Oh, I'm so horny. Don't forget security
number. I'm back.

59
00:02:58,290 --> 00:02:59,290
Come on, Maria.

60
00:03:01,770 --> 00:03:02,770
Right, Jay's mum.

61
00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:03,929
Where's Jay?

62
00:03:03,930 --> 00:03:06,170
Oh, hello, Neil. He's at home updating
his CV.

63
00:03:06,690 --> 00:03:08,050
Oh, excuse me.

64
00:03:14,220 --> 00:03:15,800
Oh. It's a bit over, is that OK?

65
00:03:16,180 --> 00:03:17,180
Not really.

66
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,840
Excuse me, my prawns. Sorry, mate, I
finished at six.

67
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:29,739
Cheers to that.

68
00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,360
You don't have to thank me every time.

69
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:32,640
All right, cool.

70
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,100
You're so fit.

71
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,600
Simon, we need to talk. Oh, we're not
talking.

72
00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:53,900
Look, it's been great so far. It's been
amazing.

73
00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:57,820
Literally the best year of my life. My
spot's clearing up, not moving to Wales,

74
00:03:57,940 --> 00:03:58,679
and now you.

75
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,420
And I'm definitely getting better at
kissing, aren't I?

76
00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:01,900
I think we should break up.

77
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:07,200
What? We're both going away to uni soon,
and it'll be too hard to keep it going

78
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,200
long distance.

79
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,200
It won't be fair on either of us. I
don't mind.

80
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,120
You will mind, though. You will. I
bloody won't. Plus, I'm going on holiday

81
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,300
soon, so there's that.

82
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,040
Why? What are you planning to do on
holiday?

83
00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:20,870
Maybe you should just go home. I just
need some space to think at the moment.

84
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:22,290
Okay, fine.

85
00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:23,610
So I'll see you later, yeah?

86
00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:26,050
Or whenever.

87
00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:36,790
Mum, I'm back! When's tea?

88
00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:38,810
It better be delicious!

89
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,500
Tell me you love me.

90
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:15,120
Tell me you love me. Oh, yes, I like
you. Oh, I like you.

91
00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:18,220
Yeah, I'm just looking at holidays. It's
just holidays.

92
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,600
Jay, can you come downstairs, please?
Your grandfather's died.

93
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:26,560
You got a lady there, you bad boy.

94
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,240
Has she got nice titties? Suck on the
lady's titties. Suck them. Go on.

95
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,380
It was our last ever day of school,
something my new stepmum had experienced

96
00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:37,660
only four years ago herself.

97
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:40,630
So the head of Sixth was going to say a
few inspirational words.

98
00:05:40,930 --> 00:05:45,070
And if ever there was a man for the job,
it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

99
00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:48,550
I will forget each and every one of you
almost immediately.

100
00:05:48,790 --> 00:05:52,590
So, if you do find yourself at a loose
end next year, I think it might be nice

101
00:05:52,590 --> 00:05:54,430
to pop in and see how we're getting on.

102
00:05:54,670 --> 00:05:58,370
Don't. This isn't the Dead Poets
Society, and I'm not that bloke on BBC

103
00:05:58,370 --> 00:06:00,290
Two who keeps getting kids to sing in
choirs.

104
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:05,090
I especially don't want to hear about
how well you're settling down at uni or

105
00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:07,510
how much growing up you've done in the
past 12 months.

106
00:06:08,219 --> 00:06:13,460
At best, I am ambivalent towards most of
you, but some of you I actively dislike

107
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:18,380
for no other reason than your poor
personal hygiene or your irritating

108
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:19,380
personalities.

109
00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:24,260
I hope I've made myself clear on this
point, and in case any of you think I'm

110
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:29,140
joking, I'm not. I assure you that once
my legal obligation to look after your

111
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:34,120
best interest is removed, I can be one
truly nasty fucker.

112
00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:41,580
Good luck with the rest of your lives
and try not to kill anyone.

113
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,820
Reflects very badly on all of us here.

114
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,120
Slightly more upbeat than I was
expecting.

115
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,960
They say your school days are the best
days of your life. But the only way that

116
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,680
would be true for me would be if I went
straight from school to prison and

117
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,300
stayed there forever until I died. How
many times is that she's caught you now?

118
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:00,960
Four. But this was the worst.

119
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:03,420
Mask, snorkel, hand.

120
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,820
One last one for luck.

121
00:07:08,190 --> 00:07:10,570
Good. Old-school wedgie. To be admired,
in a way.

122
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,030
Squashing the balls now.

123
00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:14,550
Ooh, that does not tickle.

124
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:17,610
Mark, what the fuck do you think you're
doing?

125
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:18,890
Put him down.

126
00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:20,130
All right, calm down.

127
00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:21,690
Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad.

128
00:07:21,970 --> 00:07:24,570
Have a nice life, dickheads. Well, grow
up. God.

129
00:07:25,350 --> 00:07:29,110
Are you OK, Will? Fine. Slightly chafed
arse crack, but, um... No, basically

130
00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:30,110
fine, thanks.

131
00:07:30,290 --> 00:07:31,290
Hi, Simon.

132
00:07:32,790 --> 00:07:34,050
OK, well, bye, then.

133
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,440
Fucking bitch.

134
00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:39,660
Is she?

135
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,360
No.

136
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,700
Oh, God, I just really miss her.

137
00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:58,900
It's all right, mate.

138
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,000
I understand.

139
00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:03,700
Anyone would miss those tits. It's not
that, Neil. Is it a lovely snatch?

140
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,320
No. I know it feels rough now, Si, but
you just need to give it some time.

141
00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:08,940
I'm just worried I'll never get over
her.

142
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:10,520
Well, I can help you with that.

143
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,479
Can you?

144
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,220
Yeah. From now on, every time you
mention the Monotronic 5000, you get a

145
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:16,099
slap in the balls.

146
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,100
Do you mean Carly?

147
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,300
Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay!

148
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:20,419
You were warned.

149
00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:21,420
How's that helping?

150
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:24,480
Stop you from crying like a baby, for
one. So my life is still ruined, but now

151
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,980
my balls ache too? Thanks, Jay.

152
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:30,480
No, your life is just about to begin,
mate. Now you've been dumped, we can all

153
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,000
go on a mental holiday together.

154
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:39,640
Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze,
sex, minge, fanny and tits.

155
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:40,780
And booze.

156
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,320
And sex.

157
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,180
He's put it horrifically, but he's
probably right.

158
00:08:45,380 --> 00:08:48,620
A holiday will definitely take your mind
off her. Plus, it's the perfect time to

159
00:08:48,620 --> 00:08:51,240
go. Yeah, they say the summer is the
perfect time for a summer holiday. Come

160
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,880
on, Si. What do you say? The lads on
tour. And you.

161
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,099
Yes, and me.

162
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:58,100
One of the lads. Yeah, fuck it. Go on,
then. Maybe it will help.

163
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,320
Course it will.

164
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,480
And I promise you, Si, we'll go
somewhere so full of fit birds, it'll be

165
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,720
like shooting clunge in a barrel. What a
lovely image.

166
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:08,540
So that was it. We were no longer
schoolboys.

167
00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:11,880
And to prove our independence, we were
off on the holiday of a lifetime without

168
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:12,880
our parents.

169
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,660
After we'd made them pay for it. I know
this is the first time you've ever been

170
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:17,820
away from me, but don't go crazy.

171
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,200
When have I ever gone crazy?

172
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:22,020
That time you drank all that shandy at
Deborah's wedding. You went pretty wild.

173
00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:24,780
I was seven years old. He was running
around with his pants down, shouting,

174
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:26,440
I've got a white slug. Mum!

175
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,160
Oh, hello, Kevin.

176
00:09:29,859 --> 00:09:32,860
Looks like just Jay we're waiting for,
then. Yes, it does look like that,

177
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:33,419
doesn't it?

178
00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:34,700
God, sorry about her.

179
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:38,100
You all right, Neil? Your face is a bit
weird. Yeah, fine. Just popped a bit of

180
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,860
me sister's fake tan. I'll get it
started, you know.

181
00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:41,260
Just on your face?

182
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:42,940
Well, it's on me hands now, too.

183
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:45,100
Right. Who's this, then, the vicar?

184
00:09:45,580 --> 00:09:48,420
Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's
father. Nice to meet you.

185
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,220
Where's Neil been hiding you, then? The
church?

186
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:54,080
Looks like a bloody vicar, doesn't he?
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not a vicar. No, no,

187
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,940
I know that. But you look like a vicar,
and you talk like a vicar.

188
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,780
A bloody gay vicar or something.

189
00:09:59,609 --> 00:10:02,230
No, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.

190
00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:06,570
No, I'm saying you look gay. But you
can't be, can you? Because old soppy

191
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:07,830
bollocks here come out your pipe.

192
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,150
Right, I see.

193
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,890
Well, you've got to get going. Don't
want you to miss that flight.

194
00:10:14,010 --> 00:10:15,790
Bye-bye, poogie patoo. I love you.

195
00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:22,210
Oh, and, Jay, if you're going to spend
your grandad's money chasing skirt, two

196
00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:27,440
things. One, make sure she's not a hound
like the last one. And two... Try to be

197
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,560
a man when she dumps you for someone
with a bigger cock.

198
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:31,520
Which is everyone.

199
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:35,220
Dad.

200
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:36,360
Dads are like arseholes.

201
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,480
Everyone's got one, yes. But also,
they're arseholes. Which is why they

202
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:41,600
make excellent cab drivers.

203
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,700
Takes me back, all this. Cheap flights,
ungodly hours. Where is it you're headed

204
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,240
to again? Simon never tells me anything.

205
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,600
Malia, Mr Cooper in Greece.

206
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,500
Can't say I've heard of it. Of course
you haven't. It's a cool place to go.

207
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:51,680
And it's got subways.

208
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:52,499
Oh, right.

209
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:53,700
In my day, it was all about Spain.

210
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,760
Me and my mates went to Magaluf this one
time.

211
00:11:15,959 --> 00:11:22,180
I was learning a lot about holidays, and
not just what they did to Mrs Cooper's

212
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:23,179
front bottom.

213
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:25,880
I was also learning that on a lads'
holiday, it's compulsory to wear

214
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,300
hilarious matching t-shirts.

215
00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:28,540
Here you are.

216
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:32,480
Nice.

217
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:35,620
Right, you owe me 12 quid each, except
for you, Will, you owe me 20.

218
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:36,820
What? Why?

219
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,500
Because I had to bungle-bloke a few
extra quid for him to make it. Right, so

220
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,060
I've got to pay more money for a t-shirt
I didn't ask for and I'm not going to

221
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:43,980
wear because it carries a nickname I
didn't know I had?

222
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,240
Yes. Great.

223
00:12:02,450 --> 00:12:05,770
Many a flight.

224
00:12:33,609 --> 00:12:34,609
No,

225
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:49,670
I'm not. It is well not.

226
00:12:50,010 --> 00:12:51,210
Might be too hot. Might be.

227
00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:52,530
Oh!

228
00:12:57,490 --> 00:12:58,490
Connie!

229
00:12:58,810 --> 00:12:59,810
Connie!

230
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:01,290
Coles!

231
00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:03,770
Cole.

232
00:13:04,010 --> 00:13:05,010
Sorry.

233
00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:10,129
Wait, Jay.

234
00:13:10,130 --> 00:13:12,230
Jay. Lady Men's, 10 o'clock.

235
00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:14,350
Jay.

236
00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:15,650
Jay!

237
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,770
Didn't you see them girls? Why don't you
chirp some? Yeah, I can't handle that

238
00:13:19,770 --> 00:13:21,910
many at once, Neil. Really? What about
our netball team?

239
00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,630
Yeah, that was alright, cos that was a
luxury caravan.

240
00:13:24,850 --> 00:13:26,750
But this coach is way too small for my
moves.

241
00:13:27,030 --> 00:13:27,749
Oh, of course.

242
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:31,150
Right, so the plan is, get to the
apartment, unpack, get some sleep, then

243
00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:34,350
head out fresh tomorrow. First stop, the
Minoan Palace at Knossos.

244
00:13:34,670 --> 00:13:36,170
Have you come on a lad's holiday by
mistake?

245
00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:39,030
We haven't come halfway round the world
to look at some boring fucking Greek

246
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:40,690
ruins. Yeah, you can see that shit
anywhere.

247
00:13:41,050 --> 00:13:44,150
Look, we get there, drop the bags off,
then go straight out and get

248
00:13:44,150 --> 00:13:45,470
spasticated. Simples.

249
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:49,620
But I've not slept for 37 hours. Well,
shut up and try and get some sleep on

250
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:50,219
here, then.

251
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,300
Fine. Good idea.

252
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,500
We love you, Burnley!

253
00:13:54,780 --> 00:13:55,780
We do!

254
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,360
We love you, Burnley!

255
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,640
We do!

256
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,780
We love you, Burnley! We do!

257
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,200
Oh, Burnley, we love you!

258
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:04,299
Oh, Burnley!

259
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,300
Oh, Burnley!

260
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,360
It's wonderful!

261
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:07,339
It's wonderful!

262
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,060
Burnley! It's wonderful!

263
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,820
Can you hear the Preston sing? I can't
hear a fucking thing! When people now

264
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,790
ask me if I like football, I say yes. I
do like football.

265
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,090
But not Burnley.

266
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:19,690
Burnley can fuck off.

267
00:14:26,010 --> 00:14:26,570
It

268
00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:34,730
was

269
00:14:34,730 --> 00:14:35,730
a tense moment.

270
00:14:35,790 --> 00:14:37,730
Someone was obviously staying here.

271
00:14:38,970 --> 00:14:40,390
Right then, Mackenzie party.

272
00:14:40,690 --> 00:14:41,690
This is you.

273
00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:43,770
Good one, fellas.

274
00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:45,870
Don't worry, it'll look nice when it's
finished.

275
00:14:46,190 --> 00:14:47,570
Oh, God, all right!

276
00:14:48,390 --> 00:14:54,530
This time they're like the pictures.

277
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:59,150
I still don't know how the dog died. I
can only presume it threw itself in the

278
00:14:59,150 --> 00:15:00,270
well rather than stay here.

279
00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:02,070
You willy?

280
00:15:02,330 --> 00:15:03,330
Yes.

281
00:15:04,050 --> 00:15:05,050
Here, key.

282
00:15:05,550 --> 00:15:07,470
You have fun, but not too much fun.

283
00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:10,310
You shit on floor, 50 euro fine.

284
00:15:10,890 --> 00:15:11,890
Each time.

285
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,800
All right, lads. Are you stopping here?

286
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,400
Yes, we are.

287
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:25,640
Bad luck. I've just come back from
Afghanistan and conditions there are

288
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,800
better than this shithole. I can't wait
to get back to lying in a dusty trench

289
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,360
being shot at by some raghead.

290
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:31,599
Are you married?

291
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:32,800
No. Don't get married.

292
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,660
The wife bought this, but somehow it's
my fucking fault.

293
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,920
Anyway, pop down for a beer if you
fancy.

294
00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:39,140
I'll see yous later.

295
00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:40,260
Steve!

296
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:41,720
You owe me 50 euros.

297
00:15:48,270 --> 00:15:51,810
As we entered our new home, wondering if
our human rights had been breached, I

298
00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:54,530
couldn't help thinking a shit on the
floor might have cheered the place up a

299
00:15:54,530 --> 00:15:55,530
bit.

300
00:16:03,450 --> 00:16:06,750
Shotgun this room. Shotgun the sofa bed.
Well, where am I going to sleep then?

301
00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:08,270
Not really my problem.

302
00:16:10,250 --> 00:16:11,250
What's that? Is that the bath?

303
00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:14,250
Of course it's not the bath, you fucking
idiot. There's the bath there.

304
00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:16,090
That's the kids' toilet.

305
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,350
Is it? Yes.

306
00:16:17,790 --> 00:16:19,290
Why's it got a plug on when I tap, then?

307
00:16:19,510 --> 00:16:22,770
Cos it's for checking your kid's shit
before you flush it. Oh, that's grim.

308
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:25,690
Yeah, I know. That's the Continentals,
innit? They're dirty.

309
00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:27,550
See? That looks nice.

310
00:16:27,810 --> 00:16:30,670
I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub
for two weeks, Simon.

311
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,730
We'll have to share this over bed. Ooh,
hello!

312
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:37,430
Right, well, while you two decide who
gets first go on each other's cocks, I'm

313
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:40,070
getting ready and getting out there. The
gash isn't gonna fuck itself, you know.

314
00:16:40,470 --> 00:16:41,470
Charming.

315
00:17:15,509 --> 00:17:18,630
Finally, smelling like an industrial
accident at the Lynx factory and looking

316
00:17:18,630 --> 00:17:21,250
like the world's shittest boy band, we
hit the town.

317
00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:26,170
Oh, heads down, boys. Shit.

318
00:17:26,890 --> 00:17:28,329
What? Why?

319
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:29,589
We haven't done anything.

320
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:30,710
Foreign police, innit? So?

321
00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:32,670
Don't you even know about foreign
police?

322
00:17:32,930 --> 00:17:33,930
What? Short-sleeved uniforms?

323
00:17:34,230 --> 00:17:36,030
Chunky truncheons? Oh, fucking hell.

324
00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:37,650
Mate, they're all corrupt.

325
00:17:37,870 --> 00:17:41,050
And basically, if you misbehave and
don't have the money to bribe them, they

326
00:17:41,050 --> 00:17:44,270
take you up to these shepherd's huts in
the hills, beat you up and bum you.

327
00:17:44,590 --> 00:17:46,930
And if they don't kill you, you kill
yourself because of the shame of getting

328
00:17:46,930 --> 00:17:49,270
a boner while she was being bummed.
Right, couple of things.

329
00:17:49,550 --> 00:17:52,590
Firstly, the hills here are full of
timeshares, not deserted shepherd's

330
00:17:52,590 --> 00:17:55,870
huts. Secondly, Crete's in the EU, so I
think the standard of policing probably

331
00:17:55,870 --> 00:17:57,490
goes beyond bumming and forced suicide.

332
00:17:57,770 --> 00:18:00,130
Believe what you want, I'm keeping a
bribe up my arse just in case.

333
00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:03,550
You're going to spend the whole holiday
with 20 euros rolled up inside your

334
00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,210
arsehole? It's been up there since the
seatbelt signs went off, mate.

335
00:18:07,210 --> 00:18:08,890
All right, lads, holiday's it, yeah?

336
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,190
I'm at it on my own, having a mental
time.

337
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:13,470
Can I have a beer? Oh, here you go,
mate.

338
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,320
No, you can't. All right, which is it?
You say yes, he says bloody no. He's not

339
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,320
your boss, is he, eh?

340
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,000
Sorry, do we know you?

341
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,140
Anyways, here's a good one for you, is
that right? Get a torch and walk along

342
00:18:23,140 --> 00:18:24,960
the beach at night and you get to watch
people fucking.

343
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:27,520
They're all drunk and you get to see,
like, tits and cocks and that.

344
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,060
If you're into cocks, which he looks
like he is.

345
00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:33,960
Well, it's been great talking to you,
but we've really got to get a move on.

346
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:35,180
Can I come round yours for a shower?

347
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,740
Um, no.

348
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,000
No, cool beans.

349
00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:39,260
See you later, lads.

350
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:40,879
Richard, yeah?

351
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:41,880
Richard.

352
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:45,940
Well... Richard was clearly mental, but
as we're about to discover, so is

353
00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:46,940
everything else here.

354
00:19:33,090 --> 00:19:37,430
While Simon was seeing Carly everywhere,
Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

355
00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:39,150
She'd get it. Most definitely.

356
00:19:39,610 --> 00:19:42,270
Oh, and that one, she'd get it. And that
one.

357
00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:44,810
And that one. And that one, she'd get
it.

358
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:47,880
Right in the bumholey. I can't believe
I've already got a bird.

359
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:52,280
Gutted. So fucking what? All birds know
what goes on tour stays on tour.

360
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,740
No, I couldn't do that to Nicole.

361
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:56,780
I think I love her. And I never loved
anything before, apart from a car or a

362
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:59,240
sandwich. If the build-up gets too much
for you, mate, you can always borrow one

363
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,920
of my johnnies. Have a wank royale. Oh,
cheers, Jay. A what?

364
00:20:02,220 --> 00:20:05,620
A wank royale. It's a wank with a johnny
on. It's a bit more expensive, so I tend

365
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:06,740
to save it for special occasions.

366
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,820
Birthdays, Christmas, the Champions
League final. Exactly. All right, lads,

367
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,620
are you up for a good time? Yeah, we're
always up for a good time. We're in a

368
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:13,379
pussy patrol.

369
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:16,080
Right. Well, if you really are the Pussy
Patrol... Which we are. You're obviously

370
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,019
getting Marcos.

371
00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:20,200
It's the most buzzing bar out here,
always packed with a really chilled-out,

372
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,219
sexy vibe.

373
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,159
Know what I mean?

374
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:26,380
I don't really know what you mean. When
you say sexy vibe, do you mean girls?

375
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:27,319
Of course.

376
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,320
Loads of girls.

377
00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:31,020
And I'll sort you out half-price drinks
and a free fishbowl.

378
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:35,420
Cool, cool, cool. So, will you be in
there with your sexiness, making the

379
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:39,080
vibe all sexy, being all sexy and that
sexy?

380
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:43,040
Say sexy more. Well, I will be if you're
going to be there, you saucy bugger.

381
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:44,640
Come on, then.

382
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:46,200
Here you go, these four.

383
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,900
I'll see you in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi
and Coke.

384
00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:50,260
Large one.

385
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,880
Saucy. See you later.

386
00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:55,520
Fucking hell, you're well in there,
mate.

387
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,460
Yep, he shoots, he scores. Right up the
vag.

388
00:20:58,660 --> 00:21:01,080
Oh, my God, if she's outside, imagine
the birds inside.

389
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,940
Ah, interesting.

390
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,620
Well, it must get going a bit later. She
did say it was amazing. Then why would

391
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:16,620
she lie?

392
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,579
Hi, mate.

393
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:22,100
Four pints, four Jagermeisters and a
fishbowl, please.

394
00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:24,660
Hello.

395
00:21:24,860 --> 00:21:26,720
When it's good here.

396
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,240
Sorry?

397
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,580
When here, party good.

398
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,700
Oh, what, normally about an hour or two?
Well, as we've paid, maybe we should

399
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:34,299
hang on then.

400
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:35,300
This year?

401
00:21:35,340 --> 00:21:37,580
Never. Thanking you very much.

402
00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:38,780
OK, let's go.

403
00:21:38,820 --> 00:21:39,539
Fuck off.

404
00:21:39,540 --> 00:21:40,700
My bird will be down in a minute.

405
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,120
Do you mean the woman who's quite
clearly on commission to trick people

406
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:44,120
into this empty bar?

407
00:21:44,340 --> 00:21:47,080
No, I mean the little hottie outside
that I was flirting with. I'll take that

408
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,840
as a yes, then. I'm going nowhere till
she's sucked me off. So you're going

409
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,340
nowhere? Jay, we're on holiday.

410
00:21:51,620 --> 00:21:54,300
I'm meant to be out there trying to hit
on girls I think are beneath me, but

411
00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:56,880
who, for their part, won't give me the
time of day. So let's go.

412
00:21:58,060 --> 00:22:00,280
Oh, hello, Elias. Those little lovelies
from the coach.

413
00:22:00,740 --> 00:22:01,740
That one's not so little.

414
00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:04,460
I think they're looking at us. And not
in a weird, terrified, leave-us-alone

415
00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:05,379
way.

416
00:22:05,380 --> 00:22:08,220
Amazing. Jay, you're drunkies. Go over
and talk to them. Nah, not me, mate.

417
00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:09,760
None of them are as fit as my one
outside.

418
00:22:10,270 --> 00:22:13,250
Why go for hamburgers when you've got
steak at home? If, like you, you have

419
00:22:13,250 --> 00:22:14,229
neither anywhere.

420
00:22:14,230 --> 00:22:15,230
It's up to you then, Si.

421
00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:17,690
Oh, shit, really? I don't know if I'm
over Carly.

422
00:22:17,930 --> 00:22:20,110
Ow! Can you stop that?

423
00:22:20,370 --> 00:22:21,249
Yes, I can.

424
00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:23,170
When you stop being such a pussy about
your ex.

425
00:22:23,530 --> 00:22:25,230
It's time to get back on the horse now,
Si.

426
00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:26,930
And those little ponies need feeding.

427
00:22:28,150 --> 00:22:29,150
Feed the pony.

428
00:22:30,630 --> 00:22:32,910
Yeah, OK, I'll introduce us, but we've
all got to go over together.

429
00:22:33,290 --> 00:22:37,410
Great. You fucking sad cases. You don't
just walk up to a girl in a club and

430
00:22:37,410 --> 00:22:38,410
introduce yourself.

431
00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:39,690
It's creepy.

432
00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:40,940
Clubs have different rules, you dick.

433
00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:44,960
Look, you dance over near them, make the
eyes, then get them to dance with you.

434
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,480
Really? Annoyingly, that does sound
right.

435
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,140
Thank you. And then after a bit, you
stand up behind them, pretend to slap

436
00:22:51,140 --> 00:22:52,300
them and fuck them up the arse.

437
00:22:52,540 --> 00:22:56,360
That might be a bit much. Yeah, I don't
know. Oh, fucking hell, I'll do it. What

438
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:57,059
about Nicole?

439
00:22:57,060 --> 00:22:59,440
It's only dancing. She likes my dancing.
Stick with me, you'll be fine.

440
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,280
Right then, Si.

441
00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:02,700
Looks like the holiday starts here.

442
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,340
Am I doing it right?

443
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:39,640
Am I in time?

444
00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:41,180
Maybe a bit out, but not so you notice.

445
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:42,800
Copy nil.

446
00:24:07,969 --> 00:24:10,690
Sorry, do you mind if I come and talk to
you because you look nice and Frankie

447
00:24:10,690 --> 00:24:16,390
that's just humiliating for everyone
involved Sit down specs

448
00:24:16,390 --> 00:24:22,850
Hello, I'm Lucy hi, I'm diamond Simon

449
00:24:22,850 --> 00:24:27,470
of Simon I Bet I'll get stuck with a fat
one.

450
00:24:27,950 --> 00:24:31,630
So when Allison initially suggested
Malia, we all thought yeah, why not?

451
00:24:31,710 --> 00:24:34,710
It'll be ironic Then we had a reality
check and we thought, do we honestly

452
00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:37,930
want to spend two weeks somewhere being
ironic? And obviously the answer was no.

453
00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:41,510
So then we looked at other places, but
we realised actually we did just want to

454
00:24:41,510 --> 00:24:45,470
have a laugh and go clubbing and get
drunk and be silly and that this might

455
00:24:45,470 --> 00:24:49,330
genuinely be a really good place to
come. So fuck it. Here we are.

456
00:24:49,930 --> 00:24:52,690
Just so you know, I've met a really fit
bird and she'll be along any minute, all

457
00:24:52,690 --> 00:24:53,690
right? OK.

458
00:24:54,190 --> 00:24:55,790
She won't mind you talking to me then,
will she?

459
00:24:57,390 --> 00:25:01,800
If our dancing was bad, and it was
bad... Then our small talk was even

460
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:02,800
worse.

461
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,380
Sorry, will you excuse us a moment?

462
00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:19,060
What's going on?

463
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:19,919
What do you mean?

464
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:20,699
What do you think I mean?

465
00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:22,080
Why aren't you talking to the girls?

466
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,920
I get, like, words making sounds in my
head, but they don't come out.

467
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,160
Well, that's easy to fix.

468
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:27,340
Just say them.

469
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,600
Move your mouth and say them.

470
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,780
Well, I can't pork any of them anyways,
because they're Nicole.

471
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,920
But it would be nice to make a
connection, like on them TV shows when

472
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:35,920
people make a connection.

473
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:36,960
Oh, this is hopeless.

474
00:25:37,180 --> 00:25:39,320
Well, I don't exactly see you charming
your way into their knickers.

475
00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:42,800
I just danced for the first time in my
life. It's hard to know what to follow

476
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:43,379
up with.

477
00:25:43,380 --> 00:25:45,540
Maybe you could pretend to not have the
personality you've got.

478
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:47,020
Like, pretend to be someone cool.

479
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,000
Thanks, Simon. Thank you. Big help.
Yeah.

480
00:25:49,220 --> 00:25:50,560
Actually, it's probably best you don't
even try.

481
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:51,840
No, I am going to try.

482
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,400
If anything, I'm going to try too hard.

483
00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:56,860
But she is well out of your league.
Like, well, well, well out of your

484
00:25:56,860 --> 00:25:57,739
league. So?

485
00:25:57,740 --> 00:25:59,360
All girls are like her out of my league.

486
00:25:59,710 --> 00:26:02,270
What's the point of going with girls in
my league? Look at me.

487
00:26:02,610 --> 00:26:03,610
Imagine my league.

488
00:26:12,010 --> 00:26:13,010
Oh, God.

489
00:26:13,110 --> 00:26:15,030
Uh, Jay, mate, I think you missed the
toilet.

490
00:26:15,370 --> 00:26:16,790
You saying I can't hold my drink?

491
00:26:17,510 --> 00:26:19,170
You're pissing your drink all over the
floor.

492
00:26:19,470 --> 00:26:21,090
So? It's still the toilet.

493
00:26:21,530 --> 00:26:22,930
This whole room's the toilet.

494
00:26:24,470 --> 00:26:26,310
Neil, can you chuck me a paper towel?

495
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:29,920
Wipe the drip from a knob.

496
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:33,800
Birds don't like it when it tastes
pissy.

497
00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:40,300
Okay, come on, guys. We've done the hard
bit. Let's not fuck this up.

498
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:41,580
I just can't think of what to say.

499
00:26:41,820 --> 00:26:43,060
Just talk about something you love.

500
00:26:43,260 --> 00:26:44,300
Something you're passionate about.

501
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,260
Right. Oh, cool.

502
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:50,360
Got it. I know exactly what to say. It's
pretty devastating because she's

503
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,960
definitely the most beautiful girl I've
ever met. She's so fascinating.

504
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:54,640
She's really funny, you know?

505
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:55,759
Oh, right.

506
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:56,980
In what sort of way?

507
00:26:57,220 --> 00:26:59,420
Just like... You know when something's
funny and people get it?

508
00:26:59,900 --> 00:27:01,500
Yes. So in that way.

509
00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:03,180
And also in a comedy way.

510
00:27:05,940 --> 00:27:09,180
Neil was a man of few words. But even
for him, this was ridiculous.

511
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:15,060
Not that I was faring that much better
myself.

512
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,880
So did this place hire you out as some
sort of avant-garde dance troupe to

513
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:19,880
scare the customers off?

514
00:27:19,940 --> 00:27:22,240
No. I lost my mind and agreed to come
here on holiday.

515
00:27:22,460 --> 00:27:23,379
What's your excuse?

516
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:24,379
Sort of similar.

517
00:27:24,380 --> 00:27:27,380
I came out here earlier this summer and
fell crazy in love with the gorgeous

518
00:27:27,380 --> 00:27:28,380
locals, and now I'm back.

519
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,240
Hilarious. Of course you did. What was
he, a barman or a waiter?

520
00:27:31,580 --> 00:27:33,500
Waiter. Brilliant. Was he called
Stavros?

521
00:27:33,940 --> 00:27:35,120
Nikos. Too good.

522
00:27:35,340 --> 00:27:36,780
I bet he's different to all the boys
back home.

523
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,400
Yeah, he understands women, for one. I'm
sure he does. He must get enough

524
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:41,400
practice.

525
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,860
Not only had Jane not offered to buy
Jane a drink, he'd now stopped paying

526
00:27:44,860 --> 00:27:45,839
for his own.

527
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,680
Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll.

528
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,080
So they and Kylie said we needed some
space, and Una's coming up, so maybe

529
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:51,899
she's right.

530
00:27:51,900 --> 00:27:53,020
Sorry, who's right?

531
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:54,840
Carly? Who?

532
00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:56,020
Carly, my ex.

533
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,720
You went out with a girl called Carly?

534
00:27:58,300 --> 00:27:59,300
You should have said.

535
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,340
What? I did. That's all I've been
talking about.

536
00:28:03,460 --> 00:28:04,460
Oh!

537
00:28:04,580 --> 00:28:06,180
Yes, I was joking.

538
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:09,900
Sorry for going on about her. I usually
get a smack in the balls to stop me.

539
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:11,740
What? Um, nothing.

540
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:18,360
Meanwhile, Neil had a trump card to
play.

541
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:19,560
Do you want to dance?

542
00:28:28,530 --> 00:28:31,570
Meanwhile, Alison didn't seem to be
enjoying my hilarious Greek waiter

543
00:28:31,570 --> 00:28:35,690
impression. So I presume he wooed you
with the old, I love you, I love you,

544
00:28:35,730 --> 00:28:39,410
you only girl for me, there's no other
girl in my life.

545
00:28:39,650 --> 00:28:41,990
Oh wait, here comes an ex-plane from
Newcastle, I gotta go, baby.

546
00:28:42,390 --> 00:28:45,290
Sorry, you do realise that I'm not
playing along with a joke? I do

547
00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:48,610
genuinely have a Greek waiter boyfriend
called Nikos. No, of course you do,

548
00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:51,670
brilliant Nikos. You've really nailed
the clichés.

549
00:28:57,020 --> 00:28:58,520
You are joking, aren't you?

550
00:28:59,300 --> 00:29:00,300
No.

551
00:29:01,220 --> 00:29:04,040
His grandmother has a moustache as well,
if that makes the stereotype even

552
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,180
funnier for you. I'm sorry. I'm sure
he's not like every other waiter out

553
00:29:07,180 --> 00:29:09,140
here. It's fine. You don't know what
you're talking about.

554
00:29:09,620 --> 00:29:10,900
Your accent was pretty good, though.

555
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:12,800
Oh, I've got to go.

556
00:29:13,020 --> 00:29:15,860
Don't want to miss my stereotypical
Greek boyfriend. He might get angry and

557
00:29:15,860 --> 00:29:16,860
smash some plates.

558
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:18,400
Or commit atrocities in Anatolia.

559
00:29:19,700 --> 00:29:20,900
You're not normal, are you?

560
00:29:27,370 --> 00:29:28,209
You're right, Luce.

561
00:29:28,210 --> 00:29:29,410
What's that bloke you're dancing with?

562
00:29:39,470 --> 00:29:42,130
Luce, we should go. Nico's finished
soon. I don't want to miss him.

563
00:29:42,850 --> 00:29:44,770
So, shall we all hang out again
sometime?

564
00:29:45,470 --> 00:29:48,970
Yeah, you lot don't seem too bad. If I
hear another bloke out here refer to

565
00:29:48,970 --> 00:29:50,190
women as gash, I'll scream.

566
00:29:51,410 --> 00:29:52,970
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

567
00:29:53,470 --> 00:29:56,170
No, that is horrible. It's awful when
men do that. It's disgusting. It's

568
00:29:56,170 --> 00:29:56,889
really bad.

569
00:29:56,890 --> 00:29:58,850
Do you fancy coming to the all-day boat
party Friday?

570
00:29:59,330 --> 00:30:02,130
I know it's meant to be sold out, but
our rep reckons he can still get

571
00:30:02,130 --> 00:30:04,270
tickets. All-day boat party? What's
that?

572
00:30:06,070 --> 00:30:07,070
Well, it's a party.

573
00:30:07,630 --> 00:30:09,010
Okay. All day.

574
00:30:09,570 --> 00:30:10,990
Yep. On a boat.

575
00:30:12,350 --> 00:30:13,350
Oh, right.

576
00:30:15,010 --> 00:30:17,650
Well, now that's been cleared up, we
should go.

577
00:30:17,990 --> 00:30:18,990
See you later, Will.

578
00:30:21,370 --> 00:30:22,370
Amazing.

579
00:30:22,540 --> 00:30:26,040
Do you realise we just danced over,
chatted up some girls, they loved it,

580
00:30:26,100 --> 00:30:27,460
and you didn't fuck it up? Me?

581
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:28,680
Are we players?

582
00:30:28,980 --> 00:30:32,500
I'm starting to think that here, unlike
at home, we might actually be players.

583
00:30:32,740 --> 00:30:35,160
Maybe. I'm not really sure what that
means.

584
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:38,360
However, as I've not slept now for two
days, I'm going to bed. Yeah, my

585
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:39,620
eyeballs feel like they've got paper
cuts.

586
00:30:39,980 --> 00:30:40,980
Jay, you coming?

587
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,019
Fuck that.

588
00:30:42,020 --> 00:30:45,000
There's a thick bird up there who's so
wet for me I can hear the waves breaking

589
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:45,719
in her fanny.

590
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,560
I'm going to down this and take her down
the beach and fuck her brains out.

591
00:30:48,860 --> 00:30:51,020
Right, well, we've established that
isn't happening.

592
00:30:51,260 --> 00:30:52,720
Fine. Watch me.

593
00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:57,240
Mm, classy.

594
00:30:57,820 --> 00:30:58,820
We'd better get Neil.

595
00:31:02,540 --> 00:31:03,820
Neil. Oh, God.

596
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:05,239
We're off.

597
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:06,580
Right, won't be a minute. I should
finish up here.

598
00:31:06,980 --> 00:31:08,140
Christ, Neil, what about Nicole?

599
00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:09,520
Oh, she won't mind. We're not kissing.

600
00:31:09,860 --> 00:31:11,820
Yeah, it's just fingers, isn't it,
lover?

601
00:31:12,780 --> 00:31:13,780
Right.

602
00:31:13,860 --> 00:31:15,220
Yeah, I'll catch you lot up. One second.

603
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:18,860
He's definitely picked up the pace.

604
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,540
While Neil picked up his finger-banging
speed, we picked up Jay, and he had a

605
00:31:23,540 --> 00:31:26,920
chilling prediction to share with us.
She's gonna suck my nub-nub dry, you

606
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,880
watch. I'd rather not watch if it's all
the same to you.

607
00:31:29,580 --> 00:31:30,600
Shit, is that Carly?

608
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,040
Look, Si, it's normal that after a
break-up you'll think you see her

609
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:36,260
everywhere, but she's not here.

610
00:31:36,820 --> 00:31:38,000
Yeah, I suppose.

611
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,480
Could be her.

612
00:31:39,700 --> 00:31:42,080
What? Could be her. She is out here at
the moment.

613
00:31:42,540 --> 00:31:43,540
What?

614
00:31:44,030 --> 00:31:46,450
We weren't sure where the best place to
go was, and her and her mates are pretty

615
00:31:46,450 --> 00:31:48,930
cool, so I asked them where they was
going and when, and that's why I booked

616
00:31:48,930 --> 00:31:52,030
Malia. You fucking idiot. I came away to
try and get over her. Did you?

617
00:31:52,330 --> 00:31:53,390
You know I did.

618
00:31:53,810 --> 00:31:54,810
Oh, yeah, of course.

619
00:31:56,330 --> 00:31:57,550
Oh, God, look at her.

620
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:00,250
Do you think this is fate?

621
00:32:00,510 --> 00:32:01,890
Her being here, me being here?

622
00:32:02,210 --> 00:32:05,410
No. I think Neil asked her where she was
going and then booked the same place,

623
00:32:05,470 --> 00:32:07,510
like you just said. Let's go before she
sees us.

624
00:32:07,730 --> 00:32:10,650
No. No, I've got to go and talk to her.
If there's even the slightest chance of

625
00:32:10,650 --> 00:32:12,150
us getting back together, I've got to
take it.

626
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:18,840
What are you doing here? Stalking you
abroad.

627
00:32:19,180 --> 00:32:21,980
No, the opposite, actually. Just a
mix-up with my friends.

628
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:23,780
My stupid fucking idiot friends.

629
00:32:23,980 --> 00:32:24,980
Well, whatever.

630
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:26,440
It's great to see you. Is it?

631
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:28,100
Yeah, it is, of course.

632
00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:29,500
Of course.

633
00:32:30,980 --> 00:32:32,720
So, as we're here, why don't we hang
out?

634
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:33,960
How about right now?

635
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:38,200
Now? I can't now, but you'll be at the
boat party on Friday, right? The boat

636
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:40,840
party? I was literally just talking
about the boat party. It's going to be

637
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:42,980
amazing. The best way to run it for
holiday.

638
00:32:43,540 --> 00:32:44,780
What? Why are you going?

639
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,520
Don't go. I've got to go. My flight
leaves on Saturday.

640
00:32:47,900 --> 00:32:49,360
The boat's our last chance to party.

641
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,600
Right. Well, I'll definitely be there
then. For total, one million percent.

642
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:54,880
Definitely. Cool. It'll be great to hang
out again.

643
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:56,320
I've missed you.

644
00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:58,300
Oh, Jesus.

645
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:00,140
Fuck it. Sorry, mate.

646
00:33:00,460 --> 00:33:01,980
James, are you all right, Simon?

647
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:04,480
You're fine.

648
00:33:06,700 --> 00:33:07,700
I'll walk it off.

649
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:09,860
Cool, yeah. Come on, we've got to go.

650
00:33:10,100 --> 00:33:11,140
Oh, do you two know each other?

651
00:33:11,420 --> 00:33:15,400
Yeah, James is our rep. Rep, unofficial
rep. I sort out club nights. There'll be

652
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:16,560
a party organised in PR.

653
00:33:16,780 --> 00:33:18,780
Just make sure everyone's having a good
time, you know what I mean?

654
00:33:19,820 --> 00:33:20,900
Are you sure you're all right, mate?

655
00:33:21,460 --> 00:33:22,460
All good.

656
00:33:23,220 --> 00:33:24,340
Cool. Cars, come on.

657
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,280
Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.

658
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:30,139
See you, mate.

659
00:33:30,140 --> 00:33:31,140
Mind that leg.

660
00:33:35,380 --> 00:33:36,700
I'll sort you out a free fishbowl.

661
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:38,600
Oi, baby, you stood me up.

662
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:40,400
Oh, I didn't wait long enough to see
her.

663
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,200
Come on, kiss me.

664
00:33:42,380 --> 00:33:43,380
I'm working, darling.

665
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,000
I love your boobs.

666
00:33:45,420 --> 00:33:46,420
What?

667
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,180
What gives you the right to touch me,
you fucking prick?

668
00:33:48,540 --> 00:33:51,240
What? Sorry, I think you might have had
a little too much of the old drink.

669
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,620
I am sick of every dickhead thinking
he's got touching rights just because I

670
00:33:54,620 --> 00:33:57,440
smiled at him. It's my fucking job, you
cretin.

671
00:33:57,820 --> 00:33:58,820
Are you on the blob?

672
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:02,600
Sexy. I like it.

673
00:34:03,260 --> 00:34:04,079
No, Jay.

674
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:04,999
Time for bed.

675
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,360
Oh, fuck that. You two can bum
yourselves to death on the sofa bed.

676
00:34:08,750 --> 00:34:11,770
I'm going to get another drink. Jay,
don't be insane. You're too drunk

677
00:34:11,770 --> 00:34:15,130
already. I'm on fucking holiday. You
can't be too drunk.

678
00:34:15,409 --> 00:34:18,230
You coming, Neil? No, I like it in
there. And the way I see it, not

679
00:34:18,230 --> 00:34:20,570
sleeping for two nights is pretty much
the same as not sleeping for one night.

680
00:34:20,989 --> 00:34:21,989
Right, fine.

681
00:34:22,850 --> 00:34:23,850
Fucking knobheads.

682
00:34:24,630 --> 00:34:25,630
How was your chat?

683
00:34:25,929 --> 00:34:27,630
Amazing. Carly is here, Will.

684
00:34:27,909 --> 00:34:29,469
That's what she was worried about, us
being apart.

685
00:34:29,889 --> 00:34:32,350
That's why we split up. But we're not
apart because we're both here.

686
00:34:32,850 --> 00:34:34,130
I just need to get on that boat.

687
00:34:34,389 --> 00:34:36,909
Actually, can one of yous help me? I
think she might be a two-man job.

688
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,500
What happened to your leg? Oh, I got a
little bit run over. A little bit run

689
00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:47,500
over?

690
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,900
The next morning I was woken up by what
sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma

691
00:34:56,900 --> 00:34:57,900
attack.

692
00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:01,260
Simon?

693
00:35:01,780 --> 00:35:02,780
Simon?

694
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,160
Christ, there's like a swarm in here.

695
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:06,700
Have you got any water?

696
00:35:09,020 --> 00:35:10,380
What the fuck is that noise?

697
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:11,760
I think it's Neil.

698
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,740
Oh no, not the dinner lady from last
night.

699
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:16,840
Well,

700
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:21,180
it's her or Johnny Vegas.

701
00:35:26,940 --> 00:35:28,360
Interesting question.

702
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,020
This is beyond creepy.

703
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:34,560
Okay, I'm getting out of here.

704
00:35:35,860 --> 00:35:39,400
How can I spend 100 euros?

705
00:35:40,170 --> 00:35:42,450
Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a
day.

706
00:35:42,930 --> 00:35:44,990
Great, so I spunked all my money in one
night.

707
00:35:45,190 --> 00:35:47,090
Right. Oh, Jesus, Neil.

708
00:35:47,390 --> 00:35:49,090
Oh, don't worry about that. It's on the
way down.

709
00:35:49,550 --> 00:35:50,488
Have you seen Jay?

710
00:35:50,490 --> 00:35:51,790
Shit, no, not since last night.

711
00:35:52,010 --> 00:35:53,410
No, I mean, have you seen him? He's over
there.

712
00:36:01,670 --> 00:36:07,310
So Jay had slept face down in the dirt,
but I'd woken up listening to Neil

713
00:36:07,310 --> 00:36:08,310
getting sucked off.

714
00:36:08,410 --> 00:36:09,990
As far as I was concerned, he won.

715
00:36:13,430 --> 00:36:16,870
Your face.

716
00:36:17,590 --> 00:36:19,110
Yeah, you got something on your face.

717
00:36:19,850 --> 00:36:22,450
It appears Jay's slept in a dance nest.

718
00:36:23,630 --> 00:36:24,630
Pain.

719
00:36:26,190 --> 00:36:27,190
Tongue.

720
00:36:30,630 --> 00:36:32,630
It's all right, boys. Kitty don't bite.

721
00:36:33,450 --> 00:36:34,850
Not now she's been fed.

722
00:36:35,070 --> 00:36:36,070
Eh, lover?

723
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:43,080
What the fuck was that?

724
00:36:44,420 --> 00:36:45,840
I'll tell you what does bite, though.

725
00:36:46,220 --> 00:36:48,700
Hands. 86, 87, 88.

726
00:36:49,260 --> 00:36:50,900
88 fucking bites.

727
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:54,320
Oh, sorry. I asked for two poached eggs.

728
00:36:54,660 --> 00:36:55,660
It's poached, look.

729
00:36:56,220 --> 00:36:59,300
No, this is fried and an egg, singular.

730
00:36:59,540 --> 00:37:00,540
Yes, poached.

731
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:05,600
I promise with all my heart. So you're
promising me, with all your heart, that

732
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:06,880
this is two poached eggs?

733
00:37:08,060 --> 00:37:09,500
Yes. Berger?

734
00:37:09,780 --> 00:37:10,780
Oh, that's mine, tough.

735
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,140
Wait, I'm starving. Where's my bacon
sandwich?

736
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:16,260
I thought you'd have eaten enough pig
last night.

737
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:17,820
Mate, what were you thinking?

738
00:37:18,100 --> 00:37:20,760
I don't know. She was saying all this
dirty stuff and she looked a bit like

739
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:21,760
Will's mum, so I thought, why not?

740
00:37:21,980 --> 00:37:24,940
She didn't look like my mum, Neil. She
did a bit. No, she did not.

741
00:37:25,180 --> 00:37:27,660
I bet she did when she had his cock in
her mouth. Brilliant. Don't you feel bad

742
00:37:27,660 --> 00:37:28,359
about Nicole?

743
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:32,260
Who? Nicole, the girlfriend you've just
cheated on. Oh, no, no, because only the

744
00:37:32,260 --> 00:37:35,140
tip went in. Any more than the tip is
cheating and I would never do that

745
00:37:35,140 --> 00:37:36,140
because I've got ethics.

746
00:37:36,420 --> 00:37:38,360
Right. Well, see you lot later.

747
00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:39,439
Where are you going?

748
00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:40,440
I'm going to find those girls.

749
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,320
They should be at the hotel. Lucy said a
rep could still get boat party tickets.

750
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:44,198
Oh, wow.

751
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:45,440
That's an interesting story.

752
00:37:45,700 --> 00:37:47,940
Well, it is, actually, because guess
who's going to be there?

753
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:49,640
Carly. Ow!

754
00:37:51,260 --> 00:37:53,840
Look, she invited me to the party. She
said she missed me.

755
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,720
There's got to be a chance she's... On
all fours, sucking that bloke off.

756
00:37:57,020 --> 00:37:59,460
No, she wants us to get back together.
What bloke?

757
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:01,860
Look, you're meant to be here to forget
about Carly.

758
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:03,680
Oh, not me, Neil.

759
00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:05,020
I'll help you find them, Si.

760
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:06,740
They were fun. It'd be good to see them
again.

761
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:07,960
Alison was nice.

762
00:38:08,220 --> 00:38:09,520
Fine, fuck it, I'll help.

763
00:38:10,010 --> 00:38:11,190
Shouldn't be too hard to find.

764
00:38:11,410 --> 00:38:14,030
Probably spot the lard arse I got stuck
with from outer space.

765
00:38:14,510 --> 00:38:18,050
Neil? Can't. I had a nightmare. I left
me trunks in England, didn't I? Swear

766
00:38:18,050 --> 00:38:19,790
you're Calvin's, mate. They're
practically the same.

767
00:38:20,010 --> 00:38:22,310
Can I, Will? Um, yeah, I suppose.

768
00:38:22,670 --> 00:38:23,670
And can I ring a bell?

769
00:38:23,730 --> 00:38:24,569
Yes, Neil.

770
00:38:24,570 --> 00:38:25,570
Yes, you can.

771
00:38:28,510 --> 00:38:30,890
Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel was
nicer than our hotel.

772
00:38:31,110 --> 00:38:33,910
There are North Korean prison camps
which are nicer than our hotel.

773
00:38:34,190 --> 00:38:37,770
But like a North Korean prison camp, it
was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to

774
00:38:37,770 --> 00:38:38,770
sit. What about here?

775
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:42,700
They've got towels on them, Neil. So?
That means people have bags in them. We

776
00:38:42,700 --> 00:38:43,698
can't take those.

777
00:38:43,700 --> 00:38:44,700
Fuck that.

778
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:47,000
No, Jay, we can't. Watch me.

779
00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:50,220
It's probably just a load of krauts that
got down early in the morning to reserve

780
00:38:50,220 --> 00:38:52,760
them. That towel's got Finding Nemo on
it. Oh, what?

781
00:38:52,980 --> 00:38:54,420
So Nazis can't like Disney too?

782
00:38:55,580 --> 00:38:56,580
Jay!

783
00:38:56,700 --> 00:38:58,360
Besides, I really need a lie down.

784
00:38:59,100 --> 00:39:01,220
My head's more fucked than Neil's dad's
arsehole.

785
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:02,480
Jay, please.

786
00:39:03,140 --> 00:39:06,400
Jay and Neil were off to, as they put
it, check out the chicas.

787
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:08,200
But I had a serious problem.

788
00:39:08,700 --> 00:39:11,980
In the absence of my mother or a
teacher, I needed help with my sunblock.

789
00:39:12,660 --> 00:39:13,800
Simon, will you do my back?

790
00:39:14,100 --> 00:39:15,100
No.

791
00:39:15,220 --> 00:39:16,800
No? I don't want to touch you.

792
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:18,900
Unbelievable. Fine, I'll do it myself.

793
00:39:27,340 --> 00:39:29,500
Look, all right, I'll do it with one
finger. Thank you.

794
00:39:31,220 --> 00:39:33,660
I've got too much here and here.

795
00:39:33,940 --> 00:39:34,940
I'll scrape it off.

796
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:38,240
Okay, but don't try and be funny and
draw a cock on my back or something. No,

797
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:39,280
of course not.

798
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:42,740
Right, all done.

799
00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:46,200
See? That wasn't so bad, was it? No,
that was fine.

800
00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:51,480
I was really enjoying my book,
blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn

801
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,360
phallus burning itself onto my skin.

802
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,440
Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble with
his emergency funds.

803
00:39:56,900 --> 00:39:58,680
You all right? Yeah, it's just that 20
euros.

804
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,040
Aye, aye, Jay, here we go. We've been
spotted.

805
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,189
Seen them.

806
00:40:04,190 --> 00:40:05,190
Look cool.

807
00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:13,510
Manchester!

808
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:15,870
Manchester!

809
00:40:16,270 --> 00:40:17,950
Who's this little twat? You from
Manchester?

810
00:40:18,310 --> 00:40:19,310
You like Manchester?

811
00:40:19,650 --> 00:40:20,830
Yeah, yeah, near Manchester.

812
00:40:21,130 --> 00:40:23,350
No, you aren't. Shut up, Neil. The birds
are loving it.

813
00:40:24,350 --> 00:40:25,350
Go!

814
00:40:26,290 --> 00:40:27,290
Yeah, go!

815
00:40:27,490 --> 00:40:29,070
Go to Manchester, yeah!

816
00:40:29,910 --> 00:40:31,450
Oh, Manchester, bow!

817
00:40:33,730 --> 00:40:35,790
Ah, yeah, hilarious. Now, get out the
wiley.

818
00:40:38,270 --> 00:40:39,270
Whoa!

819
00:40:41,850 --> 00:40:42,850
What,

820
00:40:45,710 --> 00:40:46,830
are you fucking dead, you little shit?

821
00:40:47,990 --> 00:40:51,490
No, mate, just leave it. The chicas are
looking. Just laugh it off.

822
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:13,020
No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.

823
00:41:15,220 --> 00:41:16,340
Oh, Alison.

824
00:41:16,700 --> 00:41:17,700
Hello. Hello.

825
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:20,000
You know you've got a spunking cock on
your back?

826
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:21,320
What?

827
00:41:22,060 --> 00:41:22,999
Oh, no.

828
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:24,600
Thanks, Simon. Very funny, very mature.

829
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:27,220
So I've been lying here with a cock on
my back, have I? Not for the first time.

830
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:30,900
I'll burn a muff on my tit if it makes
you feel less self-conscious.

831
00:41:31,180 --> 00:41:32,880
It would, actually. We'd make quite the
pair.

832
00:41:33,100 --> 00:41:34,480
We've got a really good spot here.

833
00:41:34,780 --> 00:41:38,660
Yes, Jay, um, sorted them. Did he use
some of his boyish charm?

834
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,000
In a way, yes.

835
00:41:40,110 --> 00:41:43,050
I think I might start drinking again.
Anyone fancy joining me?

836
00:41:43,270 --> 00:41:44,270
Yes, I will.

837
00:41:44,990 --> 00:41:46,870
Oh, lucky me.

838
00:41:50,190 --> 00:41:52,290
Oh, knackered.

839
00:41:52,670 --> 00:41:53,670
Fishbowl hangover?

840
00:41:53,730 --> 00:41:55,370
No, Nikos was over last night.

841
00:41:55,650 --> 00:41:56,830
Does not stop talking.

842
00:41:57,430 --> 00:41:58,650
No, we were having sex.

843
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:00,350
Right.

844
00:42:01,690 --> 00:42:03,670
Sorry, does it make you uncomfortable
when I mention sex?

845
00:42:04,010 --> 00:42:08,370
No, no, it's good. It's great that
you're so sexually active.

846
00:42:09,490 --> 00:42:10,530
Yeah, I suppose it is.

847
00:42:11,470 --> 00:42:12,910
What's the best sex you've ever had,
Will?

848
00:42:13,350 --> 00:42:15,670
Will? Um, hard to say, really.

849
00:42:16,030 --> 00:42:17,250
Come on, you can tell me.

850
00:42:17,490 --> 00:42:19,150
Oh, I don't like to sex and tell.

851
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:20,830
Don't be boring. Just tell me.

852
00:42:21,850 --> 00:42:23,570
Look, I'm going to level with you.

853
00:42:23,870 --> 00:42:26,870
I have never put my penis in a lady.

854
00:42:27,210 --> 00:42:29,170
That's all right. You're a virgin.
That's cool.

855
00:42:29,470 --> 00:42:30,470
It's definitely not cool.

856
00:42:30,490 --> 00:42:32,810
If anything, it's famously uncool. Well,
it's cute, then.

857
00:42:33,010 --> 00:42:34,250
Oh, God, that's even worse.

858
00:42:35,190 --> 00:42:36,190
You're funny, Will.

859
00:42:36,540 --> 00:42:39,280
That's something. Can I get a girl into
bed for sex just by making her laugh?

860
00:42:39,540 --> 00:42:40,319
Of course you can.

861
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:41,320
Wow.

862
00:42:41,460 --> 00:42:42,460
Great.

863
00:42:42,580 --> 00:42:43,980
If she's a clinical moron.

864
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:47,260
Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.

865
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:48,940
Well, welcome.

866
00:42:48,980 --> 00:42:49,980
Nice to see you too.

867
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,220
Yeah, good. Now, can you still get boat
party tickets?

868
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:54,900
I'd have thought so. I'd just have to go
and find the rep.

869
00:42:55,220 --> 00:42:56,320
So you're coming along then?

870
00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:57,900
Yeah, of course. It'll be amazing.

871
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:02,080
Great. Because Carly's here, in Malia,
and she's going to be on the boat

872
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:05,240
tomorrow. If I can just get five minutes
alone with her and know we'll fix things

873
00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:06,240
up. It's fate.

874
00:43:06,430 --> 00:43:07,590
So can you go and get those tickets?

875
00:43:08,910 --> 00:43:11,770
You really know how to make a girl feel
special, don't you?

876
00:43:12,290 --> 00:43:14,170
Yeah, yeah, I know. Carly is going to
love it.

877
00:43:14,930 --> 00:43:15,930
Can you hurry up?

878
00:43:18,390 --> 00:43:19,790
Simon's plan was coming together.

879
00:43:20,050 --> 00:43:23,950
Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience
the full force of Jay's boyish charm.

880
00:43:24,210 --> 00:43:25,710
Can you move? You're blocking the sun.

881
00:43:26,070 --> 00:43:28,410
Charming. What's happened to your face,
Jay?

882
00:43:29,550 --> 00:43:30,550
It's a food allergy.

883
00:43:30,730 --> 00:43:31,910
I could do with one of those.

884
00:43:32,130 --> 00:43:33,330
Maybe a nice, fun allergy?

885
00:43:33,630 --> 00:43:35,090
Yeah, you could.

886
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,760
Meanwhile, Neil had a surprise in store
for Lisa.

887
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:43,720
Forgot my chunks.

888
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:45,040
Fancy a swim?

889
00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,000
Oh, leave it there, you little prick.

890
00:43:54,060 --> 00:43:55,060
Right, that's it.

891
00:43:55,300 --> 00:43:58,800
I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna
fucking kill you. Oi, those are our

892
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:00,200
sunbeds. And where's our towels?

893
00:44:00,420 --> 00:44:01,420
Oh, good.

894
00:44:01,470 --> 00:44:04,330
Well, there weren't any towels when we
arrived. We've been here for the last

895
00:44:04,330 --> 00:44:07,250
hour. I didn't ask to read your fucking
diary, love. I said, where's our towels?

896
00:44:07,430 --> 00:44:09,890
Now, there's no need to be abusive. If
you look around, there are signs

897
00:44:09,890 --> 00:44:12,770
everywhere saying you can't reserve
sunbeds. So you moved our towels?

898
00:44:13,050 --> 00:44:17,030
The point I'm making is whatever the
fate of the towels, these cannot be your

899
00:44:17,030 --> 00:44:19,290
beds. What have you done with my fucking
towels?

900
00:44:19,550 --> 00:44:21,730
Sir, I get your nice other beds. Please
take up your stuff.

901
00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:22,950
Me? What?

902
00:44:23,170 --> 00:44:24,170
Why should we move?

903
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,600
Because he's made a scene? Because his
family are too lazy to walk 20 feet to

904
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:28,138
the pool?

905
00:44:28,140 --> 00:44:30,500
Seriously, mate, I am warning you. Why
have a rule if you aren't going to

906
00:44:30,500 --> 00:44:31,920
enforce it? The signs are redundant.

907
00:44:33,340 --> 00:44:34,340
My doll!

908
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:38,560
Disabled. Of course she is. There you
go.

909
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:39,738
Happy now?

910
00:44:39,740 --> 00:44:40,760
Well, obviously not.

911
00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:44,880
And that isn't helping.

912
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,940
You lot have got five seconds to get off
my sunbed. Come on, Will. We'll just

913
00:44:47,940 --> 00:44:48,759
find somewhere else.

914
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:49,980
But I still don't see why we should
move.

915
00:44:50,460 --> 00:44:53,180
Yes, his daughter has a serious
condition, but isn't it like the whole

916
00:44:53,180 --> 00:44:55,480
family, therefore, are entitled to
poolside seats for life?

917
00:44:55,700 --> 00:44:58,000
Plus, strictly speaking, she doesn't
even need another chair.

918
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:02,780
Are you guests at this hotel?

919
00:45:03,820 --> 00:45:05,120
Ah! No!

920
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:06,480
I no swim!

921
00:45:06,700 --> 00:45:10,080
Please, Mr. Dead, I no swim, I beg you!
Not fall!

922
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:11,520
Ah!

923
00:45:12,500 --> 00:45:15,520
All right, all right. It's just a joke.
We're mates.

924
00:45:41,339 --> 00:45:45,440
And with a rough grab from a BO-ridden
security guard, Simon's perfect plan

925
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:46,740
came crashing down.

926
00:45:48,220 --> 00:45:49,220
Thanks a lot, Jay.

927
00:45:49,360 --> 00:45:51,000
Me? What have I done?

928
00:45:51,220 --> 00:45:54,020
Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah. Fucked
everything up for me like you always do.

929
00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:57,300
I had to teach him a lesson, Si. He was
mugging me off. He was nine years old

930
00:45:57,300 --> 00:45:58,118
and couldn't swim.

931
00:45:58,120 --> 00:46:00,860
Now my life is ruined. Thanks. Is this
about the tickets?

932
00:46:01,500 --> 00:46:04,840
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. So you don't get to go
to the boat party. So what?

933
00:46:05,060 --> 00:46:06,640
So I don't get back together with the
woman I love?

934
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,520
Look, it's not my fault Carly thinks
you're a prick.

935
00:46:08,910 --> 00:46:11,110
You want to watch me more closely, mate,
you might actually learn something. Oh,

936
00:46:11,110 --> 00:46:12,110
yeah, and what would I learn?

937
00:46:12,470 --> 00:46:15,650
How to bullshit about having sex, how to
sleep in an ant's nest, how to be scared

938
00:46:15,650 --> 00:46:18,630
shitless of my dad. Oh, come on, Si,
calm down. Maybe you'd learn not to be

939
00:46:18,630 --> 00:46:21,410
such a massive tool over that miserable
cunt. Don't call Connie a cunt!

940
00:46:41,190 --> 00:46:42,970
You had enough yet? Have you had enough
yet?

941
00:46:43,250 --> 00:46:44,250
I'll ask first.

942
00:46:44,910 --> 00:46:46,450
We should do something.

943
00:46:46,750 --> 00:46:47,750
Yeah, do you want to go and get a
subway?

944
00:46:48,090 --> 00:46:49,470
No, I meant about the fight.

945
00:46:49,690 --> 00:46:50,689
We should break it up.

946
00:46:50,690 --> 00:46:51,690
Yeah.

947
00:46:52,450 --> 00:46:53,690
All right, come on, you two.

948
00:46:56,650 --> 00:46:59,990
I'm sick of his bollocks. I'm going to
fucking do him. Oh, you're hard, Si. I

949
00:46:59,990 --> 00:47:02,830
didn't see you do me just now. Come back
here then, you prick. Let's go for a

950
00:47:02,830 --> 00:47:06,090
walk. Don't cry, Si. I'm not crying.
You're crying. Don't look like it.

951
00:47:06,130 --> 00:47:07,170
You're crying. Come here then.

952
00:47:07,430 --> 00:47:08,430
See you later then, Will.

953
00:47:16,720 --> 00:47:18,120
Honestly, I'm done with that asshole.

954
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:19,720
I mean, why do I even hang around with
him?

955
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:22,180
Well, yeah, obviously we all wonder that
at times.

956
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:25,080
Look, it's been a tough couple of days.
The Carly thing is weird.

957
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:27,240
But just because you had a fight with
Jay, you don't have to leave.

958
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:28,459
I'm not leaving.

959
00:47:28,460 --> 00:47:30,440
But you are aware you're packing your
suitcase.

960
00:47:34,820 --> 00:47:35,860
I've never liked him.

961
00:47:36,160 --> 00:47:37,560
But you've been mates since primary
school.

962
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:39,800
He's a little crybaby poof, and he's
there.

963
00:47:40,260 --> 00:47:42,960
Everyone took the piss out of that. But
not me. I didn't.

964
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:45,280
Fucking wish I had now. You did a bit.

965
00:47:45,770 --> 00:47:48,110
No, of course, a bit, but not enough.

966
00:47:48,870 --> 00:47:52,590
He's a total twat. Oh, that's harsh,
mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a

967
00:47:52,590 --> 00:47:53,950
twat. I'm going to sell my clothes.

968
00:47:54,350 --> 00:47:55,350
Oh, you're having a breakdown.

969
00:47:55,790 --> 00:47:58,670
She means so much to me, Will. I don't
care about anything else. If I can get

970
00:47:58,670 --> 00:48:00,870
enough money together, I can buy it to
give at the boat party off someone,

971
00:48:01,010 --> 00:48:02,170
somehow. Whatever it costs.

972
00:48:02,510 --> 00:48:05,250
Money is all I need. I agree we need
money, but who's going to buy your

973
00:48:05,250 --> 00:48:07,050
clothes? No offence, but you dress
appallingly.

974
00:48:07,350 --> 00:48:09,190
Are you going to help, or just
constantly undermine me?

975
00:48:09,410 --> 00:48:10,810
A bit of both, I'd imagine. Fine.

976
00:48:11,950 --> 00:48:13,250
Do you think Alison likes me?

977
00:48:13,820 --> 00:48:15,500
13 years he's been dragging me down.

978
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:17,900
Well, fuck him. What's that?

979
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:19,160
Boat party tickets.

980
00:48:19,260 --> 00:48:22,300
I bought four the other night before I
passed out. Cost a fortune.

981
00:48:22,540 --> 00:48:23,540
I thought I'd surprise him.

982
00:48:24,020 --> 00:48:27,740
Well, here's his fucking surprise. Oh,
no, Jay, don't. No, fuck him, and fuck

983
00:48:27,740 --> 00:48:28,740
that dick Will, too.

984
00:48:37,260 --> 00:48:38,260
What shall we do now, then?

985
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,440
Now we have the best holiday ever.

986
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:43,940
And do what we came here to do. Get
better at swimming.

987
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:46,960
No. Go on pussy patrol.

988
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,300
Unfortunately for him, Simon wasn't the
only person in Malia trying to sell shit

989
00:48:52,300 --> 00:48:53,320
no one wanted. Hello.

990
00:48:53,820 --> 00:48:55,800
Hello. Nice lady. Good guys.

991
00:48:56,080 --> 00:48:59,240
Clothes. Looky, looky. Top clothes for
sale. You want clothes? Good price.

992
00:48:59,980 --> 00:49:01,900
I think he'd have more luck selling the
big glasses.

993
00:49:03,300 --> 00:49:04,300
Isn't that Carly's friend?

994
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:06,020
He's a rep. I don't think they're any
friends.

995
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:07,218
All right, mate.

996
00:49:07,220 --> 00:49:08,780
What's this, the world's shittiest booth
here?

997
00:49:09,100 --> 00:49:11,040
No. Just sell him a close of money.

998
00:49:11,390 --> 00:49:12,390
I need money desperately.

999
00:49:12,570 --> 00:49:13,570
All right.

1000
00:49:13,650 --> 00:49:15,810
Always luck would have it I've got a
mate who's had his apartment broken

1001
00:49:15,810 --> 00:49:17,810
into. Fuckers nicked all his clothes.

1002
00:49:18,230 --> 00:49:19,830
I reckon he'll be interested. I'll call
him.

1003
00:49:20,290 --> 00:49:23,590
That'd be amazing. Thanks so much. No
problem, mate. All part of the service,

1004
00:49:23,650 --> 00:49:24,569
yeah? See?

1005
00:49:24,570 --> 00:49:26,290
All right, mate. Yeah, yeah. Got some
clothes.

1006
00:49:27,230 --> 00:49:29,870
Yeah. Got some girls' T-shirts.

1007
00:49:30,110 --> 00:49:31,029
These are girls, right?

1008
00:49:31,030 --> 00:49:32,850
No. Hoodies like your mum would buy you.

1009
00:49:33,270 --> 00:49:34,910
Sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears.

1010
00:49:35,250 --> 00:49:36,630
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all shit, yeah.

1011
00:49:36,910 --> 00:49:39,210
Hold on. He says he'll give you 100
euros for the lot.

1012
00:49:39,670 --> 00:49:41,460
Amazing. Totally. Cool.

1013
00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:44,200
Coolio. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God.

1014
00:49:44,540 --> 00:49:45,620
Thanks so much, man.

1015
00:49:45,980 --> 00:49:47,060
Including what you're wearing now.

1016
00:49:47,720 --> 00:49:49,240
Really? Yeah, yeah, that's the deal.

1017
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:52,720
Oh, obviously he's not gonna take his
clothes off.

1018
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:54,360
Oh, nice one.

1019
00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:57,900
Oh, he's gonna need your pants, too.

1020
00:49:58,860 --> 00:49:59,718
What, these?

1021
00:49:59,720 --> 00:50:01,380
Fucking thieves stole everything.

1022
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,840
Give me your pants. I'll be back before
you know it with your 100 euros. Sorry,

1023
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:08,040
this has gone too far. Simon, do not
take your pants off. Stop always telling

1024
00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:09,220
me what to do, Will. I'm an adult.

1025
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:10,920
James is doing me a favour. What are you
doing, eh?

1026
00:50:18,620 --> 00:50:22,260
Here. You'll be right back, yeah? Of
course I will. I'll see you very soon.

1027
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:26,780
Thanks, James. Thanks so much, man.

1028
00:50:33,660 --> 00:50:34,660
Yeah, cheers, Abdul.

1029
00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:35,740
Good luck, mate.

1030
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:41,200
James isn't coming back, is he?

1031
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:42,440
Don't think so.

1032
00:50:42,720 --> 00:50:46,860
Brilliant. So we made Simon some
makeshift pants and headed home to get

1033
00:50:46,860 --> 00:50:47,860
changed.

1034
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:50,700
Simon, please don't fart in my T-shirt.

1035
00:50:50,900 --> 00:50:51,900
Sorry.

1036
00:50:54,340 --> 00:50:55,340
Interesting.

1037
00:51:26,510 --> 00:51:27,510
At least somebody's enjoying themselves.

1038
00:51:27,990 --> 00:51:32,130
In just 24 hours, Mally had pretty much
broken me and Simon, so in a way I had

1039
00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:35,470
to admire Jay and Neil as they rolled up
the sleeves on their offensive t-shirts

1040
00:51:35,470 --> 00:51:37,170
and dived straight back in.

1041
00:51:59,339 --> 00:52:00,400
This place is mental.

1042
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:04,340
It's Decadent Neil. That's what they
call it. This is what we came here for.

1043
00:52:04,960 --> 00:52:08,120
You won't find those other two muppets
in a place like this. They just shit

1044
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:09,120
themselves and run away.

1045
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:14,820
And now, all the way from Privilege in
Ibiza, we have a very, very special act.

1046
00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:18,480
Probably some big dancer who'll take one
look at me and want to bang me all

1047
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:20,960
night. Yeah, and we've got the best
view. I bet you'll be able to see right

1048
00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:21,939
up the snatch from here.

1049
00:52:21,940 --> 00:52:24,000
This is it, Neil. This is a fucking
holiday.

1050
00:52:24,380 --> 00:52:26,860
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Fernando.

1051
00:52:39,980 --> 00:52:42,760
It must be like a cage fight or a
martial arts type thing.

1052
00:52:55,380 --> 00:52:56,380
Whoa!

1053
00:53:00,540 --> 00:53:01,560
Is this a neck to go?

1054
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:04,600
No, it's decadent.

1055
00:53:05,450 --> 00:53:09,650
Let's have a big cheer for Fernando, the
master of self fellatio.

1056
00:53:12,670 --> 00:53:14,350
I don't know if I like decadent things.

1057
00:53:20,810 --> 00:53:24,670
Jay and Neil never told us exactly how
close they came to Fernando's cock, but

1058
00:53:24,670 --> 00:53:27,810
they did say they could smell it. And
they were still having more fun than us.

1059
00:53:29,330 --> 00:53:30,330
Last two.

1060
00:53:30,430 --> 00:53:31,570
Shall we pretend they're pudding?

1061
00:53:32,190 --> 00:53:33,190
Alright, fellas.

1062
00:53:33,620 --> 00:53:37,160
Romantic dinner, is it? Yeah? I've just
had a mare, right? Some massive

1063
00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:40,480
bodybuilding geezer came running out the
bushes at me. God knows why. Anyway,

1064
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:43,100
I've lamped him. He's gone flying. I
think I killed him.

1065
00:53:46,620 --> 00:53:48,460
Okay, well, it's been lovely to chat,
Richard.

1066
00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:51,220
He looked absolutely good. Um, no.
Simple and clear.

1067
00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:53,600
30? No, we're going. Are we? Where?

1068
00:53:53,820 --> 00:53:55,820
Terrible bar, I know. See you later,
Richard. 10?

1069
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:57,280
10?

1070
00:53:57,600 --> 00:53:58,720
10? 10?

1071
00:54:09,260 --> 00:54:12,780
It's that James bloke, Carly's sucking
off. Oh, yeah. See, now, that looks like

1072
00:54:12,780 --> 00:54:13,780
a proper laugh.

1073
00:54:14,340 --> 00:54:17,220
Neil, I think it's time the Pussy Patrol
recruited some new members.

1074
00:54:20,740 --> 00:54:21,740
What, mate?

1075
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:24,160
Do I know you?

1076
00:54:24,220 --> 00:54:25,420
Yeah, we're mates of Carly's.

1077
00:54:25,780 --> 00:54:27,620
Ah, yeah, Carly Klingon.

1078
00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:29,240
Nice girl, bit keen.

1079
00:54:29,620 --> 00:54:32,540
Yeah, our mate's in love with her, the
fucking dick. Oh, is he?

1080
00:54:32,940 --> 00:54:35,140
We're telling him he can have a sniff on
these if he's lucky.

1081
00:54:36,260 --> 00:54:38,380
Yeah, well, no, he's not really a mate.
We ditched him.

1082
00:54:38,720 --> 00:54:39,720
Yeah, it's too tragic.

1083
00:54:43,940 --> 00:54:45,000
It's a wicked place, this.

1084
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,238
Nice vibe.

1085
00:54:46,240 --> 00:54:49,520
What, you think a bloke sucking his own
cock is wicked? Are you bent?

1086
00:54:51,280 --> 00:54:52,480
No, of course not.

1087
00:54:52,780 --> 00:54:53,780
We're the Pussy Patrol.

1088
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:54,960
Pussy Patrol?

1089
00:54:55,100 --> 00:54:56,480
More like the Bumming Brigade.

1090
00:54:57,660 --> 00:54:59,560
The only pussy you'll get will be a cat.

1091
00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:05,940
Oi! I said the only pussy they'll get
will be a cat.

1092
00:55:07,660 --> 00:55:09,680
You know, like one of them stray cats
should get round here.

1093
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:11,040
Oh, good one.

1094
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:12,480
Fuck you, you lanky prick.

1095
00:55:13,260 --> 00:55:16,080
You two are fucking me off. Get out of
my face. Oh, no, come on, we're having a

1096
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:17,160
laugh. We're all right here.

1097
00:55:17,720 --> 00:55:21,200
You're not fucking all right anywhere,
you scrawny little cunt. Now, fuck off

1098
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:22,780
before I put a glass in your throat.

1099
00:55:31,840 --> 00:55:32,840
You all right, Jake?

1100
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:33,960
Yeah.

1101
00:55:34,620 --> 00:55:35,620
Are you crying?

1102
00:55:36,069 --> 00:55:37,410
No, it's just the smoke in here.

1103
00:55:38,390 --> 00:55:39,390
There isn't any.

1104
00:55:39,870 --> 00:55:40,870
Yeah, that's what I mean.

1105
00:55:41,910 --> 00:55:43,270
Do you want to go somewhere not
decadent?

1106
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:14,620
So what happens now? Probably a bit far
for my dad to come and pick us up.

1107
00:56:17,860 --> 00:56:18,860
Oh, great.

1108
00:56:19,900 --> 00:56:20,899
Be nice.

1109
00:56:20,900 --> 00:56:21,940
Maybe he's come to apologise.

1110
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:35,420
Alright. We were just leaving, actually.

1111
00:56:35,720 --> 00:56:37,480
Oh, don't cry, Simon. I'm not crying.

1112
00:56:37,780 --> 00:56:39,020
No joke, it was you that was crying,
remember?

1113
00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:40,440
Neil!

1114
00:56:40,709 --> 00:56:43,430
Come on, Si. Sit down. Let's all share a
fishbowl. We're totally out of cash.

1115
00:56:43,630 --> 00:56:46,710
Yeah. We're not all lucky enough to have
had a relative die. Well, you clearly

1116
00:56:46,710 --> 00:56:49,270
fucked without me, so I was going to
offer to pay for your drinks. But if

1117
00:56:49,270 --> 00:56:50,770
you're going to be a baby about it, then
fuck it.

1118
00:56:51,050 --> 00:56:52,050
Were you really?

1119
00:56:53,090 --> 00:56:55,770
I'm not asked either way, but if I have
to, yes.

1120
00:56:57,190 --> 00:56:58,190
Si?

1121
00:57:00,450 --> 00:57:01,368
All right.

1122
00:57:01,370 --> 00:57:02,370
Thank you, Jay.

1123
00:57:04,550 --> 00:57:05,550
Shake.

1124
00:57:11,820 --> 00:57:12,820
Group hug?

1125
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:20,160
I'm going in with just one more suicide
shot. Fucking hell.

1126
00:57:31,960 --> 00:57:32,960
Right,

1127
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:38,420
turn up, please. Sorry, mate, I had my
fingers crossed. Oh, not again.

1128
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:40,760
Oh, my God.

1129
00:57:41,210 --> 00:57:42,430
I never expected to see them again.

1130
00:57:43,410 --> 00:57:45,810
Does it matter, though, does it? Because
even if Lucy can get a ticket for the

1131
00:57:45,810 --> 00:57:49,430
boat party, I now can't afford one. Yes,
but incredible as it may seem, Simon, I

1132
00:57:49,430 --> 00:57:50,428
wasn't thinking about you.

1133
00:57:50,430 --> 00:57:51,430
Hi, guys.

1134
00:57:51,770 --> 00:57:53,430
Taking a break from drowning children.

1135
00:57:53,650 --> 00:57:56,090
We are. And welcome back to Malia's
Least Cool Bar.

1136
00:57:56,310 --> 00:57:58,870
We're regulars, obviously, but surprised
to see you here again.

1137
00:57:59,130 --> 00:58:01,570
Well, it's the only place we've been
where the blokes weren't total animals.

1138
00:58:01,930 --> 00:58:02,930
I'll take that as a compliment.

1139
00:58:03,070 --> 00:58:05,970
Hello, by the way. Hello, Spectacles.
Still going to get shit face, though.

1140
00:58:06,110 --> 00:58:07,110
Shots only.

1141
00:58:07,170 --> 00:58:08,370
You man enough, J-Bo?

1142
00:58:08,950 --> 00:58:10,450
Course. Thought you would be.

1143
00:58:10,810 --> 00:58:14,090
Obviously, we now rated as so sexually
non-threatening that these girls were

1144
00:58:14,090 --> 00:58:17,190
happy to drink with us. But to be fair,
I'd take that every time.

1145
00:58:18,890 --> 00:58:21,030
So I've been thinking about us.

1146
00:58:21,270 --> 00:58:22,109
What, the four of you?

1147
00:58:22,110 --> 00:58:25,350
No, me and you. Well, there is no us, so
that must have been a weird thought

1148
00:58:25,350 --> 00:58:26,350
process, but go on.

1149
00:58:26,390 --> 00:58:28,610
I'm not sure Nikos is right for you.

1150
00:58:29,030 --> 00:58:32,930
Interesting. Why wouldn't my sexy,
charming, caring boyfriend, who is also

1151
00:58:32,930 --> 00:58:35,010
a sensational lover, be right for me?

1152
00:58:35,230 --> 00:58:36,330
You'd say sensational, would you?

1153
00:58:36,590 --> 00:58:37,590
Hmm. Hmm.

1154
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:40,100
It was nice of Richard Branson to lend
you an outfit.

1155
00:58:40,300 --> 00:58:41,620
It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?

1156
00:58:42,700 --> 00:58:43,720
Well, at least you look fantastic.

1157
00:58:44,540 --> 00:58:47,260
Right, there's only one thing for it.
We're going to say fuck it and do shots

1158
00:58:47,260 --> 00:58:49,200
till one of us is sick through our nose.
My money's on me.

1159
00:58:49,520 --> 00:58:50,540
Four monkey brains, please.

1160
00:58:50,840 --> 00:58:51,980
I like this, Simon.

1161
00:58:52,260 --> 00:58:53,260
He's fun.

1162
00:58:53,480 --> 00:58:54,480
Thanks very much.

1163
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:56,120
Cheers. Cheers.

1164
00:58:56,180 --> 00:58:57,360
Oh, actually, can you patty?

1165
00:59:01,980 --> 00:59:02,980
Right, next.

1166
00:59:03,200 --> 00:59:06,120
No, no, I can't have another one. I'm
sorry. Didn't realise you really like

1167
00:59:06,120 --> 00:59:07,120
wheat. What?

1168
00:59:07,319 --> 00:59:08,740
Lightweight. Lightweight.

1169
00:59:09,040 --> 00:59:10,380
You're the one to talk about
lightweights.

1170
00:59:10,620 --> 00:59:11,620
What do you mean?

1171
00:59:11,800 --> 00:59:13,040
Oh, because I'm fat?

1172
00:59:14,420 --> 00:59:15,420
No.

1173
00:59:15,640 --> 00:59:20,120
What I mean, Jane, is I'm going to drink
you under the table.

1174
00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:21,400
You're a travel, aren't you?

1175
00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:25,959
You're funny.

1176
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,300
That is why I know you don't have to
worry about getting laid.

1177
00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:30,380
Um, did I say I was worried?

1178
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:33,900
No, but it's obvious that you are, and
you think that somehow I'm the answer.

1179
00:59:34,060 --> 00:59:35,940
Well, I am not, and you will be fine.

1180
00:59:36,490 --> 00:59:38,150
I think you might be, though.

1181
00:59:38,610 --> 00:59:39,610
Nonsense.

1182
00:59:39,810 --> 00:59:43,670
In fact, I am so confident I will make a
pact with you. If you still haven't had

1183
00:59:43,670 --> 00:59:46,330
sex by this time next year, I'll have
sex with you.

1184
00:59:47,470 --> 00:59:48,970
As long as I'm not with Nikos, of
course.

1185
00:59:49,190 --> 00:59:50,190
Of course.

1186
00:59:50,390 --> 00:59:52,870
Um, this is a joke, right?

1187
00:59:55,310 --> 00:59:58,590
A handshake's good. Is it possible to
get it in writing?

1188
00:59:58,930 --> 01:00:00,170
See? Funny.

1189
01:00:00,530 --> 01:00:01,530
Yes.

1190
01:00:02,410 --> 01:00:05,150
You like this?

1191
01:00:05,690 --> 01:00:06,690
Where's Neil?

1192
01:00:07,430 --> 01:00:13,210
He is literally incredible.

1193
01:00:15,390 --> 01:00:16,390
Come on, Lise.

1194
01:00:16,490 --> 01:00:18,930
We're getting out of here. Let's go for
a swim. Come on, you.

1195
01:00:20,490 --> 01:00:21,490
Can we swim, Nick?

1196
01:00:21,650 --> 01:00:23,530
Oh, I can't because I haven't brought my
swimming costume.

1197
01:00:23,870 --> 01:00:24,870
Oh, no.

1198
01:00:25,030 --> 01:00:26,550
I haven't brought mine either. Really?

1199
01:00:26,950 --> 01:00:27,950
What are you going to do?

1200
01:00:27,990 --> 01:00:29,370
Well, I'm going to go in naked.

1201
01:00:29,890 --> 01:00:30,890
You?

1202
01:00:31,710 --> 01:00:32,710
Oh, right.

1203
01:00:32,810 --> 01:00:33,810
Yeah, me too.

1204
01:00:35,280 --> 01:00:36,280
Totally naked.

1205
01:00:37,500 --> 01:00:39,160
Are they really going skinny dipping?

1206
01:00:39,440 --> 01:00:40,720
If I know Jane, probably, yeah.

1207
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:41,920
Really?

1208
01:00:42,340 --> 01:00:43,400
Fucking hell, really?

1209
01:00:43,800 --> 01:00:44,800
Yes.

1210
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:47,720
And what about you?

1211
01:00:48,660 --> 01:00:51,180
Well, I'm meeting Nikos in half an hour.

1212
01:00:51,460 --> 01:00:52,460
Of course.

1213
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:54,320
So I reckon I've got time for a quick
dip.

1214
01:00:55,360 --> 01:01:00,440
Alison was hopelessly out of my league.
And yet, and yet... No, I had no fucking

1215
01:01:00,440 --> 01:01:01,440
chance.

1216
01:01:10,830 --> 01:01:12,330
No, yeah, good.

1217
01:01:12,630 --> 01:01:13,529
I will.

1218
01:01:13,530 --> 01:01:14,530
Go on then.

1219
01:01:14,570 --> 01:01:15,630
All in good time.

1220
01:01:17,930 --> 01:01:19,270
I'll look away if you like.

1221
01:01:20,130 --> 01:01:22,150
Yeah, that'd be nice, thank you.

1222
01:01:24,630 --> 01:01:26,830
Okay, so I'm looking away now.

1223
01:01:31,550 --> 01:01:35,190
And so, for only the second time today,
Simon was tricked into getting naked.

1224
01:01:36,010 --> 01:01:39,220
Further along the beach, for the first
time ever... Jay was close to seeing

1225
01:01:39,220 --> 01:01:41,020
some naked women not on a computer
screen.

1226
01:01:45,820 --> 01:01:46,820
Come on, Jay.

1227
01:01:46,980 --> 01:01:47,980
Don't be shy.

1228
01:01:48,180 --> 01:01:49,380
I'll take it all off if you will.

1229
01:01:49,620 --> 01:01:52,000
Um, all right. Just give me a minute.

1230
01:01:52,580 --> 01:01:54,560
Are you scared that you won't be able to
control yourself?

1231
01:01:58,400 --> 01:02:01,340
I can't take it anymore. Just give it a
snug.

1232
01:02:01,740 --> 01:02:03,340
Um, all right.

1233
01:02:04,460 --> 01:02:07,020
But let's go somewhere secret.

1234
01:02:07,450 --> 01:02:08,450
Secret?

1235
01:02:08,630 --> 01:02:09,870
Just give us a snog out?

1236
01:02:10,130 --> 01:02:11,130
Nah.

1237
01:02:11,170 --> 01:02:14,430
Let's go somewhere people can't see us,
okay?

1238
01:02:15,990 --> 01:02:16,990
Actually,

1239
01:02:19,090 --> 01:02:22,330
forget it. I've already seen your cock
and it wasn't pretty.

1240
01:02:29,810 --> 01:02:33,570
All I'm saying is that logically, we
might not have to wait a year to have

1241
01:02:33,570 --> 01:02:34,610
sex. Oh, really?

1242
01:02:35,070 --> 01:02:38,120
Yeah. I mean, once you remove Nikos from
the equation and think, as I say,

1243
01:02:38,220 --> 01:02:40,780
logically, it really makes no sense to
wait that long.

1244
01:02:41,060 --> 01:02:43,400
Do you find that your logic talks a lot
of girls into bed?

1245
01:02:43,780 --> 01:02:44,980
Well, no.

1246
01:02:45,360 --> 01:02:49,260
I was just curious to know whether this
kind of relentless pedantic chat is a

1247
01:02:49,260 --> 01:02:50,260
big hit with the other chicks.

1248
01:02:50,440 --> 01:02:52,080
Well, obviously it isn't.

1249
01:02:52,820 --> 01:02:53,820
Thought not.

1250
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:02,320
What are you waiting for?

1251
01:03:03,940 --> 01:03:05,410
Um... I don't know

1252
01:03:41,230 --> 01:03:42,230
Take your clothes off.

1253
01:04:22,830 --> 01:04:24,250
That's it till next year, I'm afraid.

1254
01:04:27,110 --> 01:04:28,110
I've lost my glasses.

1255
01:04:28,290 --> 01:04:29,290
I've lost my glasses!

1256
01:04:30,310 --> 01:04:31,650
God, it's freezing in here.

1257
01:04:31,910 --> 01:04:33,310
Don't be such a wuss.

1258
01:04:35,370 --> 01:04:37,310
That's right, let's get someone's hair
wet, shall we?

1259
01:04:37,570 --> 01:04:39,790
It always looks wet anyway, gel boy.

1260
01:04:40,110 --> 01:04:41,830
Right, how's this for a wet look, then?

1261
01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:48,570
Oh, shit, sorry.

1262
01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:36,620
I'm really sorry. I tripped. I've lost
my glasses.

1263
01:05:36,820 --> 01:05:40,520
You've got a big problem now, mister. A
big fucking problem. I'm so sorry. I

1264
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:42,020
didn't know you were down there doing
that.

1265
01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:44,600
Help!

1266
01:05:45,440 --> 01:05:46,700
I'm really sorry, mate. Help me!

1267
01:05:48,640 --> 01:05:53,460
What are you doing?

1268
01:05:54,700 --> 01:05:55,700
What's your fucking name, Icos?

1269
01:05:55,820 --> 01:05:58,720
Donner, I just need you to be a little
bit quiet for five minutes, please. Who

1270
01:05:58,720 --> 01:05:59,720
the fuck is that?

1271
01:06:00,560 --> 01:06:03,300
Come and sit down with me. I want to
talk to you. We're supposed to be

1272
01:06:03,300 --> 01:06:06,400
meeting up in 15 minutes, you utter,
utter scumbag.

1273
01:06:06,760 --> 01:06:07,760
Glasses, glasses.

1274
01:06:08,020 --> 01:06:08,799
It's okay.

1275
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:10,540
Glasses. There they are.

1276
01:06:10,760 --> 01:06:15,700
Alison, I love you. I love you. You are
the only girl for me. There are no other

1277
01:06:15,700 --> 01:06:16,700
girl in my life.

1278
01:06:16,960 --> 01:06:18,120
Now, where have we heard that before?

1279
01:06:18,480 --> 01:06:19,700
Just shut up, Will.

1280
01:06:19,980 --> 01:06:21,400
Baby, you know this word, huh?

1281
01:06:24,720 --> 01:06:25,720
Alison, wait!

1282
01:06:26,380 --> 01:06:27,380
Simon?

1283
01:06:28,180 --> 01:06:29,320
Are you swimming naked?

1284
01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:30,800
Hell yeah.

1285
01:06:30,860 --> 01:06:31,860
That's not like you.

1286
01:06:32,080 --> 01:06:34,300
Well, I'm on holiday, so who knows?
Maybe it's a new me.

1287
01:06:34,640 --> 01:06:35,640
Oh, right.

1288
01:06:36,300 --> 01:06:37,420
I like the old you.

1289
01:06:39,360 --> 01:06:41,440
Okay, well, I'm off to bed.

1290
01:06:41,900 --> 01:06:42,900
Can I come?

1291
01:06:43,520 --> 01:06:44,520
To bed?

1292
01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:48,740
No, sure. I'm all wet anyway, so...
Look, I'm knackered. I've had a shitty

1293
01:06:48,740 --> 01:06:49,880
night. I just want to be alone.

1294
01:06:50,660 --> 01:06:53,420
But I'll see you at the boat party. We
can catch up properly there, okay?

1295
01:06:54,480 --> 01:06:55,480
Yeah, of course.

1296
01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:57,040
See you at the boat party.

1297
01:06:57,520 --> 01:06:58,780
Great. See ya.

1298
01:06:59,440 --> 01:07:00,440
I miss you too.

1299
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:02,740
Sorry? You said it the other night?

1300
01:07:03,900 --> 01:07:04,900
Oh, yeah.

1301
01:07:13,440 --> 01:07:14,440
Lucy!

1302
01:07:15,560 --> 01:07:16,820
Lucy! Alison!

1303
01:07:17,320 --> 01:07:18,720
Wait! I'll come with you!

1304
01:07:18,920 --> 01:07:19,920
I want to be on my own!

1305
01:07:20,300 --> 01:07:23,240
Um, you're not expecting me to hit him
or anything, are you?

1306
01:07:23,500 --> 01:07:27,200
No! Good. I don't expect anything from
anyone but disappointment.

1307
01:07:27,900 --> 01:07:28,900
You'll love me, then.

1308
01:07:28,940 --> 01:07:32,540
And I will never have sex with anyone
again for as long as I live, and

1309
01:07:32,540 --> 01:07:33,540
certainly not with you.

1310
01:07:33,780 --> 01:07:36,700
So just fuck off. All of you, just fuck
off.

1311
01:07:36,960 --> 01:07:38,300
Does this affect our deal?

1312
01:07:38,900 --> 01:07:40,000
Fuck your deal.

1313
01:07:47,560 --> 01:07:48,560
Lizzie.

1314
01:07:49,100 --> 01:07:50,100
Oh, are you getting out?

1315
01:07:50,440 --> 01:07:51,440
Yes.

1316
01:07:52,000 --> 01:07:53,440
That was Carly. Did you see that?

1317
01:07:55,140 --> 01:07:58,260
Yeah, it was dark, but I saw her. Isn't
she beautiful?

1318
01:07:58,540 --> 01:07:59,900
Yes, she's very beautiful.

1319
01:08:01,280 --> 01:08:02,280
I'm going now.

1320
01:08:02,960 --> 01:08:04,240
Oh, okay.

1321
01:08:32,430 --> 01:08:33,430
I've been better.

1322
01:08:33,810 --> 01:08:34,810
What are you doing?

1323
01:08:34,970 --> 01:08:35,970
I'm thinking.

1324
01:08:36,290 --> 01:08:37,370
About how shit the holiday is?

1325
01:08:37,649 --> 01:08:38,649
Partly that.

1326
01:08:38,750 --> 01:08:41,450
Partly I'm thinking about putting stones
in my pockets and chucking myself in the

1327
01:08:41,450 --> 01:08:43,430
pool. Oh, I wouldn't swim in that. It's
rank.

1328
01:08:44,250 --> 01:08:48,270
Right. Also, if you put stones in your
pockets, you'll sink, so better to not

1329
01:08:48,270 --> 01:08:49,270
have the stones, really.

1330
01:08:49,410 --> 01:08:50,510
I'll bear that in mind, Neil.

1331
01:08:53,210 --> 01:08:56,010
I stopped believing in God when I
realised it was just dog backwards.

1332
01:08:57,090 --> 01:09:01,210
What? Well, when you think about it,
G-O-D...

1333
01:09:01,560 --> 01:09:02,560
D-O-G.

1334
01:09:02,859 --> 01:09:04,680
It's like an anagram, but a backwards
one, isn't it?

1335
01:09:05,200 --> 01:09:08,140
Right. And then after that, I just
stopped worrying about stuff.

1336
01:09:08,620 --> 01:09:12,100
You only get one go round, I reckon.
When you're dead, you're dead. So you

1337
01:09:12,100 --> 01:09:14,859
can spend your time thinking about how
things haven't gone perfect, or you can

1338
01:09:14,859 --> 01:09:16,540
just get on with it, have a laugh and
that.

1339
01:09:16,939 --> 01:09:18,240
That's what I do. I'm pretty happy.

1340
01:09:20,800 --> 01:09:22,240
You are, aren't you? Yeah.

1341
01:09:23,220 --> 01:09:24,220
Thanks, Neil.

1342
01:09:24,420 --> 01:09:25,420
Thanks for that.

1343
01:09:25,460 --> 01:09:28,180
Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.

1344
01:09:28,479 --> 01:09:30,700
No, not that. No offence, but that's
moronic.

1345
01:09:31,180 --> 01:09:33,740
No, I mean, thanks for coming to cheer
me up. I didn't come to cheer you up. I

1346
01:09:33,740 --> 01:09:36,279
came to say I did a shit in the
children's toilet and I can't get rid of

1347
01:09:36,279 --> 01:09:37,540
it. Oh, God.

1348
01:09:39,660 --> 01:09:41,740
Because I thought I'd try something
different, you know, as a treat.

1349
01:09:44,979 --> 01:09:45,979
Neil,

1350
01:09:46,680 --> 01:09:48,000
what the fuck has gone into that?

1351
01:09:48,300 --> 01:09:49,380
You've been eating tear gas.

1352
01:09:49,720 --> 01:09:50,920
No, it's just a bit beer-y.

1353
01:09:51,580 --> 01:09:53,220
And that meatiness is probably the
kebabs.

1354
01:09:54,560 --> 01:09:57,780
Okay, that's it. Neil, you were right.
It may not be paradise, but we can at

1355
01:09:57,780 --> 01:10:00,880
least try and enjoy this place for
exactly what it is. A shithole? Yes, but

1356
01:10:00,880 --> 01:10:04,280
it's our shithole. So let's get out
there and get royally fucked up on Jay's

1357
01:10:04,280 --> 01:10:05,280
dead grandad's money.

1358
01:10:05,520 --> 01:10:06,520
That's what he would have wanted.

1359
01:10:07,440 --> 01:10:11,120
If we get €5.50, Neil, you're paying it.
But it's not on the floor. Some of it is

1360
01:10:11,120 --> 01:10:12,340
on the floor. Well, yes, some of it.

1361
01:11:46,350 --> 01:11:47,070
Is this

1362
01:11:47,070 --> 01:11:56,570
normal

1363
01:11:56,570 --> 01:11:57,570
enough for you?

1364
01:11:58,030 --> 01:11:59,110
Probably a bit too normal.

1365
01:12:06,260 --> 01:12:09,040
I'm almost going to miss him when I'm at
uni. When he's at uni, you mean?

1366
01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:10,900
Yeah, but I'll be at uni too.

1367
01:12:11,340 --> 01:12:12,340
Will you?

1368
01:12:13,260 --> 01:12:14,199
What, this year?

1369
01:12:14,200 --> 01:12:15,200
In a few weeks.

1370
01:12:15,240 --> 01:12:16,760
Oh, what, just because Will's going?

1371
01:12:17,640 --> 01:12:18,760
No, because I want to.

1372
01:12:20,080 --> 01:12:21,080
What about me?

1373
01:12:21,560 --> 01:12:22,560
What?

1374
01:12:23,260 --> 01:12:24,600
What am I going to do?

1375
01:12:26,680 --> 01:12:28,740
Um, I don't know.

1376
01:12:31,080 --> 01:12:32,380
I thought you knew I was going to uni.

1377
01:12:33,500 --> 01:12:34,500
Yeah, of course, no.

1378
01:12:34,700 --> 01:12:38,140
But it's just that I was going to use my
granddad's money to set us up in

1379
01:12:38,140 --> 01:12:41,460
business. Selling car stereos to
premiership footballers.

1380
01:12:41,740 --> 01:12:45,440
Neil was going to work in the depot, but
me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales.

1381
01:12:45,780 --> 01:12:46,780
I haven't a life than that.

1382
01:12:47,720 --> 01:12:48,720
Oh, right.

1383
01:12:49,860 --> 01:12:50,980
Yeah, I'm going to do sociology.

1384
01:12:53,380 --> 01:12:54,380
Fuck.

1385
01:12:55,780 --> 01:12:57,280
I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now.

1386
01:12:57,840 --> 01:12:59,020
Could have had a bit of a send-off.

1387
01:13:00,140 --> 01:13:01,140
What tickets?

1388
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,400
Boat party ones.

1389
01:13:02,700 --> 01:13:05,620
I bought them when I was pissed the
other night. I thought I'd surprise you.

1390
01:13:06,780 --> 01:13:07,780
Oh well.

1391
01:13:08,200 --> 01:13:09,620
You what? You tore them up?

1392
01:13:11,100 --> 01:13:12,100
Yeah.

1393
01:13:12,740 --> 01:13:14,220
What? After we had the fight?

1394
01:13:14,520 --> 01:13:17,660
Yeah. I was angry because you had a go
in that.

1395
01:13:18,380 --> 01:13:19,380
Yeah, sure.

1396
01:13:21,540 --> 01:13:22,540
Makes sense.

1397
01:13:25,960 --> 01:13:27,240
You fucking arsehole!

1398
01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:28,840
You!

1399
01:13:29,100 --> 01:13:30,980
I'm not gonna fucking mess you up again,
do ya? Yeah!

1400
01:13:31,220 --> 01:13:32,260
Yeah? Yeah!

1401
01:13:34,560 --> 01:13:37,880
Oh, you two can't even have a piss out
of the end of my cock in peace.

1402
01:13:41,000 --> 01:13:42,240
You two go on.

1403
01:13:42,900 --> 01:13:46,060
I'm just gonna have a little recovery
snooze.

1404
01:13:57,120 --> 01:13:58,120
Come on, mate.

1405
01:13:58,730 --> 01:13:59,890
You can have my bed tonight.

1406
01:14:00,230 --> 01:14:01,550
This one's a bit bitey.

1407
01:14:06,630 --> 01:14:08,090
Can I tell you I touched a boob tonight?

1408
01:14:09,090 --> 01:14:11,750
Like a real boob. A girl's one.

1409
01:14:12,090 --> 01:14:13,450
I didn't get to lick it though.

1410
01:14:14,810 --> 01:14:16,730
This has been the best night of my life.

1411
01:14:28,520 --> 01:14:32,180
It was the day of the boat party, and it
looked like literally everyone in Malia

1412
01:14:32,180 --> 01:14:33,019
had a ticket.

1413
01:14:33,020 --> 01:14:36,620
Well, everyone except me and Simon,
whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

1414
01:14:38,600 --> 01:14:40,240
If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si.

1415
01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:41,419
You can.

1416
01:14:41,420 --> 01:14:42,420
Just give me your ticket.

1417
01:14:42,720 --> 01:14:44,880
Yeah, but I really want to go, Stacey.
Actually, I can't.

1418
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:46,720
Take Jay's ticket.

1419
01:14:46,880 --> 01:14:47,900
No, I think he needs it.

1420
01:14:48,140 --> 01:14:49,139
What, because of Jane?

1421
01:14:49,140 --> 01:14:52,720
No. In case the captain dies and they
need me to drive the boat.

1422
01:14:56,910 --> 01:14:59,910
Eased up on the vomiting. Mainly
retching now. For the record, they don't

1423
01:14:59,910 --> 01:15:03,690
clean that toilet floor very often. Lots
of pubes on hands, knees, and my face

1424
01:15:03,690 --> 01:15:06,490
when I had a little lie down. I cannot
believe we've been eating here.

1425
01:15:06,710 --> 01:15:08,730
Well, they look hot. A bit young for
you, and they kneel.

1426
01:15:09,150 --> 01:15:10,150
Lucy.

1427
01:15:10,750 --> 01:15:11,750
Lucy.

1428
01:15:12,270 --> 01:15:13,270
Alison.

1429
01:15:13,630 --> 01:15:15,650
Alison. Oh, I give up.

1430
01:15:16,330 --> 01:15:17,330
All right, boys.

1431
01:15:17,710 --> 01:15:18,710
Who killed Will?

1432
01:15:19,850 --> 01:15:20,809
What's up with Lucy?

1433
01:15:20,810 --> 01:15:24,270
I don't know. If you ask her rather than
talking about your ex the whole time,

1434
01:15:24,330 --> 01:15:25,530
you might find out. Oh.

1435
01:15:25,770 --> 01:15:26,770
God, really?

1436
01:15:28,030 --> 01:15:29,030
Fine.

1437
01:15:30,550 --> 01:15:33,650
You coming to the boat party, then? You
trying to stop me? We just saw two hot

1438
01:15:33,650 --> 01:15:35,270
fellas dressed as firemen getting on
board.

1439
01:15:35,490 --> 01:15:36,690
Might need a hand with their hoses.

1440
01:15:37,390 --> 01:15:38,890
Might have to set fire to my knickers.

1441
01:15:40,250 --> 01:15:41,250
Well, I'll come with you, if you like.

1442
01:15:41,470 --> 01:15:42,249
No, thank you.

1443
01:15:42,250 --> 01:15:43,250
Come on, Lisa.

1444
01:15:44,970 --> 01:15:47,550
You look as bad on the outside as I feel
on the inside.

1445
01:15:48,010 --> 01:15:48,949
Oh, don't worry.

1446
01:15:48,950 --> 01:15:50,650
I feel like shit on the inside, too.

1447
01:15:51,490 --> 01:15:54,850
Although, I don't have a pube on my
cheek. Oh, God.

1448
01:15:57,090 --> 01:16:00,350
Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has at
least cheered me up a bit. Glad to be of

1449
01:16:00,350 --> 01:16:02,550
service. You know I have a penis I'm
burned on my back too.

1450
01:16:03,710 --> 01:16:07,230
Must be reassuring to know that however
bad life gets, you're not me.

1451
01:16:07,550 --> 01:16:08,550
It is.

1452
01:16:08,570 --> 01:16:10,590
Good, because that means every time
you're down, you have to come and find

1453
01:16:10,590 --> 01:16:11,449
me and hang out with me.

1454
01:16:11,450 --> 01:16:12,450
Yeah, I think I might.

1455
01:16:12,770 --> 01:16:16,770
Starting with today, I've got Nikos'
ticket for the boat party. Do you fancy

1456
01:16:16,770 --> 01:16:17,549
joining me?

1457
01:16:17,550 --> 01:16:18,550
Um, yes.

1458
01:16:18,950 --> 01:16:19,950
More than anything.

1459
01:16:20,150 --> 01:16:22,190
Great. On one condition, though.

1460
01:16:22,870 --> 01:16:26,330
Anything. At no point are you allowed to
say, I told you so.

1461
01:16:26,610 --> 01:16:28,410
Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that.

1462
01:16:28,790 --> 01:16:31,990
So it's not that I'd rather go to a
party that infinitely heightens my sense

1463
01:16:31,990 --> 01:16:34,830
of being out of kilter with the rest of
the world. It's just that Alison is sort

1464
01:16:34,830 --> 01:16:36,390
of the fittest girl I've ever met.

1465
01:16:36,690 --> 01:16:39,010
And maybe... It's fine, Will. Honestly,
go for it.

1466
01:16:39,230 --> 01:16:41,010
I'll just find a quiet spot and hang
myself.

1467
01:16:41,390 --> 01:16:43,230
Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn't hang
himself.

1468
01:16:43,450 --> 01:16:46,050
I'm off. Look at me, following my cock
like a normal person.

1469
01:16:49,970 --> 01:16:50,970
Sorry for saying cock.

1470
01:16:57,350 --> 01:16:59,230
I didn't realize I was being such a
dick.

1471
01:17:01,170 --> 01:17:02,170
You were.

1472
01:17:03,530 --> 01:17:04,650
I'm trying to say sorry.

1473
01:17:06,090 --> 01:17:07,110
Well, say it then.

1474
01:17:08,230 --> 01:17:10,130
Sorry. For being a dick?

1475
01:17:10,890 --> 01:17:11,950
Sorry for being a dick.

1476
01:17:13,130 --> 01:17:16,270
And for having too much gel in your
hair? I don't think I've got that much.

1477
01:17:16,770 --> 01:17:19,050
Okay, I'm sorry for having too much gel
in my hair.

1478
01:17:23,570 --> 01:17:24,670
You should probably get going.

1479
01:17:26,000 --> 01:17:27,000
I'm not that bothered.

1480
01:17:27,200 --> 01:17:28,580
Really? Yeah.

1481
01:17:29,300 --> 01:17:31,700
If you like, maybe we could hang out,
the two of us.

1482
01:17:32,220 --> 01:17:34,140
I quite fancy just staying by the pool.

1483
01:17:34,660 --> 01:17:38,240
Yeah, I mean, why spend the day having
unbelievable fun on a party boat when

1484
01:17:38,240 --> 01:17:40,600
you could be taking a depressed man
swimming at a family hotel?

1485
01:17:41,320 --> 01:17:42,320
I'm serious.

1486
01:17:42,600 --> 01:17:43,600
I don't mind.

1487
01:17:44,820 --> 01:17:46,800
I might even cheer you up.

1488
01:17:47,660 --> 01:17:48,940
If they let you back in.

1489
01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:51,080
I honestly don't think I'll be very good
company.

1490
01:17:51,620 --> 01:17:52,800
But thanks for the offer.

1491
01:17:53,020 --> 01:17:54,460
You go. I'll be all right.

1492
01:18:03,360 --> 01:18:06,300
Look, it's obvious how much Carly means
to you.

1493
01:18:07,040 --> 01:18:08,980
She's lucky, I think.

1494
01:18:10,800 --> 01:18:13,120
I'm sure you'll sort it out. She goes
back tomorrow.

1495
01:18:13,460 --> 01:18:14,820
I can feel her slipping away.

1496
01:18:19,540 --> 01:18:24,560
Simon, if she really means that much to
you, I want you to take my ticket.

1497
01:18:27,000 --> 01:18:30,580
Lucy. If you really want to go, take it.

1498
01:18:32,140 --> 01:18:33,880
If you really want to go.

1499
01:18:36,140 --> 01:18:37,300
Come on, do you do that for me?

1500
01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:39,080
Yeah.

1501
01:18:40,600 --> 01:18:41,600
Thanks.

1502
01:18:42,260 --> 01:18:43,720
I'll see you later. Enjoy the pool.

1503
01:18:44,100 --> 01:18:46,280
Will! Will! I got a ticket! I got a
ticket!

1504
01:18:46,560 --> 01:18:49,200
Will! I got a ticket! I got a ticket!

1505
01:19:10,720 --> 01:19:13,240
The boo party was Jay's promised land.

1506
01:19:13,460 --> 01:19:18,680
Sun, sea, booze, and who knows, maybe
even some sex, minge, fanny and tics.

1507
01:19:18,780 --> 01:19:20,140
And booze. And sex.

1508
01:19:20,720 --> 01:19:23,720
Boom. Oh, shaky shot to get us started.
You are kidding.

1509
01:19:23,960 --> 01:19:24,960
Oh, come on, it's the best cure.

1510
01:19:25,160 --> 01:19:26,260
Fair enough. What are we toasting?

1511
01:19:26,500 --> 01:19:27,500
To the pussy.

1512
01:19:28,260 --> 01:19:29,260
The pussy.

1513
01:19:32,840 --> 01:19:34,860
Nail. To being player.

1514
01:19:35,730 --> 01:19:36,730
Leas! Leas!

1515
01:19:40,450 --> 01:19:41,970
Si? To me and Carly!

1516
01:19:42,310 --> 01:19:43,570
No, you're right, mate. Fuck off.

1517
01:19:46,750 --> 01:19:48,950
Fine. Well, I'm going off to find her
anyway.

1518
01:19:49,390 --> 01:19:50,490
Oh, Si, I forgot something.

1519
01:19:50,790 --> 01:19:51,790
What?

1520
01:19:51,870 --> 01:19:53,530
Oh, for fuck's sake!

1521
01:19:53,930 --> 01:19:56,110
You know, I should probably find Jane. I
promised her a dance.

1522
01:19:56,310 --> 01:19:57,269
What?

1523
01:19:57,270 --> 01:20:00,630
What? No, just a dance. And then we
could get some proper fit gash.

1524
01:20:00,870 --> 01:20:02,690
But Jane's all right, you know. She's a
laugh.

1525
01:20:02,990 --> 01:20:04,250
The fat ones are always jolly.

1526
01:20:04,930 --> 01:20:06,490
Neil, what a horrible thing to say.

1527
01:20:08,570 --> 01:20:10,290
Just you and me then, Will? Oh, no.

1528
01:20:10,730 --> 01:20:12,850
Oh, God. What was I thinking? Tequila?

1529
01:20:16,290 --> 01:20:17,290
Shit. Sorry.

1530
01:20:19,450 --> 01:20:20,450
Sorry.

1531
01:20:23,650 --> 01:20:25,510
Make your bloody mind up, you wally.

1532
01:20:53,550 --> 01:20:55,290
Richard. All right, mate? All right.

1533
01:20:55,530 --> 01:20:56,228
How's it going?

1534
01:20:56,230 --> 01:20:59,970
Yeah, not too bad. I was DJing at this
techno club, right, and this mental emo

1535
01:20:59,970 --> 01:21:03,870
bird comes over to me and says, I want
you to piss on me and then fuck me. So I

1536
01:21:03,870 --> 01:21:05,410
pissed all over her. And then fucked
her?

1537
01:21:05,650 --> 01:21:06,670
No, she was covered in piss.

1538
01:21:07,230 --> 01:21:08,230
Oh, of course.

1539
01:21:08,850 --> 01:21:12,410
Anyway, the other day, right, I started
crying. I couldn't stop. So, yeah, my

1540
01:21:12,410 --> 01:21:14,590
mum and dad have flown over to take me
home. Pretty cool.

1541
01:21:20,970 --> 01:21:21,970
Yeah.

1542
01:21:23,500 --> 01:21:24,880
Come and say hello? Alright.

1543
01:21:27,880 --> 01:21:29,200
Dad, Mum.

1544
01:21:30,380 --> 01:21:31,380
Hiya.

1545
01:21:31,940 --> 01:21:33,060
Back off, bitch!

1546
01:21:34,400 --> 01:21:35,400
Not this time.

1547
01:21:41,600 --> 01:21:42,920
Jane? Jane?

1548
01:21:43,200 --> 01:21:44,199
Oh, hello.

1549
01:21:44,200 --> 01:21:45,520
Sure you want to be seen with me?

1550
01:21:46,720 --> 01:21:48,460
Yeah, I do. I really do.

1551
01:21:49,400 --> 01:21:51,480
Can we have that snuff now? What?

1552
01:21:51,980 --> 01:21:53,640
Now, here, right in front of everyone.

1553
01:21:54,280 --> 01:21:55,820
Um... Yeah.

1554
01:21:56,420 --> 01:21:58,520
Yeah. Yeah? Well, I'm not that kind of
girl.

1555
01:21:59,060 --> 01:22:02,860
Oh. So, I suggest we find somewhere a
little more private.

1556
01:22:03,620 --> 01:22:08,200
I don't mind. I told you, I do. And to
be fair, in private, you might get a

1557
01:22:08,200 --> 01:22:09,200
blowjob out of it.

1558
01:22:26,060 --> 01:22:29,420
Where have you been? I've been looking
all over for you. I need to tell you

1559
01:22:29,420 --> 01:22:30,700
something. I know.

1560
01:22:50,880 --> 01:22:51,880
Get it all up.

1561
01:22:52,060 --> 01:22:54,100
A little easier on the sunburnt cock,
please.

1562
01:22:54,340 --> 01:22:55,340
Sorry.

1563
01:22:55,690 --> 01:22:56,690
It's fine.

1564
01:22:57,910 --> 01:22:59,890
I mean, what a total twat.

1565
01:23:00,330 --> 01:23:01,550
Me? No.

1566
01:23:02,430 --> 01:23:04,590
Nikos, the total and utter Greek twat.

1567
01:23:05,190 --> 01:23:07,910
Did you see her? She was hideous. She
must have been at least 30.

1568
01:23:08,850 --> 01:23:09,850
I told you so.

1569
01:23:10,570 --> 01:23:14,070
You arsehole. You had to say it, didn't
you? Even in the fucking state you're

1570
01:23:14,070 --> 01:23:15,070
in, you couldn't resist.

1571
01:23:15,450 --> 01:23:17,190
Sorry, but at least I'm consistent.

1572
01:23:19,010 --> 01:23:20,270
Yes, you are, aren't you?

1573
01:23:23,090 --> 01:23:25,780
Okay. So I think I'd like to revise my
offer.

1574
01:23:26,700 --> 01:23:31,160
How about instead of having sex with you
in a year, I have sex with you all year?

1575
01:23:33,780 --> 01:23:35,800
What? It's a one-time offer.

1576
01:23:36,680 --> 01:23:40,100
To confirm, do you mean like a
girlfriend or like a prostitute?

1577
01:23:40,380 --> 01:23:41,960
I was thinking more like a girlfriend.

1578
01:23:43,840 --> 01:23:45,140
Could you write it down? No!

1579
01:23:45,800 --> 01:23:47,520
I am not going to write it down.

1580
01:23:48,580 --> 01:23:50,660
Look, what I'm trying to say is I like
you.

1581
01:23:51,480 --> 01:23:53,920
Despite myself, I really do like you.

1582
01:23:55,140 --> 01:23:56,820
If you like me too, then we're on.

1583
01:24:00,020 --> 01:24:02,300
But not till you've brushed your teeth.

1584
01:24:03,600 --> 01:24:04,600
Oh.

1585
01:24:09,860 --> 01:24:10,860
What's she doing?

1586
01:24:11,180 --> 01:24:12,480
You know we could do this forever.

1587
01:24:13,020 --> 01:24:14,020
Yeah, I know, yeah.

1588
01:24:14,780 --> 01:24:18,240
Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you.
I thought I'd lost you. And no matter

1589
01:24:18,240 --> 01:24:20,340
how many times they hit me in the balls,
I knew I was right.

1590
01:24:20,700 --> 01:24:22,220
And I've worked it all out. It was so
simple.

1591
01:24:22,440 --> 01:24:25,040
I'll just get a job near your uni for
three years, four if you do an MA, and

1592
01:24:25,040 --> 01:24:26,120
then we can be together forever.

1593
01:24:27,340 --> 01:24:28,340
Forever.

1594
01:24:28,820 --> 01:24:29,820
Just like we should be.

1595
01:24:32,860 --> 01:24:34,900
Carly, what's wrong?

1596
01:24:36,520 --> 01:24:37,520
Did you hear what I said?

1597
01:24:38,220 --> 01:24:39,520
Something about being hit in the balls?

1598
01:24:39,800 --> 01:24:43,060
Well, yeah, but mainly about being
together forever.

1599
01:24:44,080 --> 01:24:45,740
Sorry, Simon. Could you just kiss me
again?

1600
01:24:54,920 --> 01:24:55,858
Sorry, Carls.

1601
01:24:55,860 --> 01:24:56,860
This is wrong.

1602
01:24:57,180 --> 01:24:58,180
What?

1603
01:24:58,400 --> 01:24:59,780
I've made a bad choice today.

1604
01:25:02,600 --> 01:25:04,440
I honestly wish you all the best with
your life.

1605
01:25:05,440 --> 01:25:06,760
But right now I have to leave.

1606
01:25:08,300 --> 01:25:09,760
I don't think you'll ever see me again.

1607
01:25:11,980 --> 01:25:14,120
But I'll see you at your mum's birthday
in two weeks' time.

1608
01:25:15,040 --> 01:25:16,300
Well, yeah, but then after that.

1609
01:25:17,580 --> 01:25:19,960
And then your brother's 16th the
following week. It was more of a

1610
01:25:19,960 --> 01:25:20,960
metaphorical thing.

1611
01:25:21,720 --> 01:25:23,100
Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls.

1612
01:25:23,700 --> 01:25:27,410
Yes. At your mum's. Please, can I
just... Thank you.

1613
01:25:30,410 --> 01:25:33,690
Below deck, Neil was being as faithful
as ever to his girlfriend by

1614
01:25:33,690 --> 01:25:36,390
aggressively dry-humping Lisa to within
an inch of her life.

1615
01:25:40,630 --> 01:25:41,630
Neil.

1616
01:25:42,190 --> 01:25:43,190
Neil, stop.

1617
01:25:43,850 --> 01:25:45,710
What's up? Is it my zip? I can undo it
if you want.

1618
01:25:46,050 --> 01:25:47,270
No, it's not that.

1619
01:25:47,950 --> 01:25:51,470
I just think this is wrong. I feel bad
for your girlfriend.

1620
01:25:51,890 --> 01:25:52,930
No, it's fine. We aren't kissing.

1621
01:25:53,350 --> 01:25:56,010
Yeah, but look at what we are doing.

1622
01:25:57,470 --> 01:26:01,690
I mean, how do you think you'd feel if
you saw her doing this with a guy?

1623
01:26:02,150 --> 01:26:05,010
I don't want to be treated like this.
I've got ethics.

1624
01:26:06,090 --> 01:26:12,970
Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's just that
Nicole dumped me before we got out

1625
01:26:12,970 --> 01:26:15,870
here and I didn't want to say anything
to the others because I was embarrassed.

1626
01:26:16,490 --> 01:26:17,490
Oh, Neil.

1627
01:26:17,570 --> 01:26:21,970
Yeah, she sent me this text saying,
like, you dance like a twat, you are

1628
01:26:21,970 --> 01:26:22,970
dumped.

1629
01:26:23,240 --> 01:26:24,240
It broke me up.

1630
01:26:24,660 --> 01:26:28,220
So this is fine. And if you want, we can
even kiss.

1631
01:26:28,540 --> 01:26:29,540
Oh, Neil.

1632
01:26:29,880 --> 01:26:30,880
Is that true?

1633
01:26:31,100 --> 01:26:32,540
Really? Yeah, of course.

1634
01:26:33,680 --> 01:26:34,680
If you like.

1635
01:26:41,740 --> 01:26:46,700
That was just... I mean, did it not
taste funny? Because it looks funny.

1636
01:26:47,140 --> 01:26:47,959
All right, mate.

1637
01:26:47,960 --> 01:26:49,440
Who's this, then? Hi, I'm Jane.

1638
01:26:49,840 --> 01:26:50,840
She's my girlfriend.

1639
01:26:51,060 --> 01:26:52,060
Oh, is she?

1640
01:26:52,200 --> 01:26:53,200
Fucking hell.

1641
01:26:53,230 --> 01:26:54,750
You want to be careful she doesn't fall
overboard.

1642
01:26:55,070 --> 01:26:58,290
Because I'll get harpooned. Because they
might think I'm a new island. Because

1643
01:26:58,290 --> 01:27:02,130
all the water will splash out onto the
land. Heard them all. Take your pick.

1644
01:27:03,030 --> 01:27:04,890
Fucking hell, Tubbs. All right. It was
only a joke.

1645
01:27:05,610 --> 01:27:08,390
Anyway, seeing as you're coming out
there like a naughty boy, how about you

1646
01:27:08,390 --> 01:27:09,390
do me a favor?

1647
01:27:09,470 --> 01:27:10,830
I need a note for the old two.

1648
01:27:11,110 --> 01:27:12,450
We weren't doing drugs, actually.

1649
01:27:13,370 --> 01:27:15,410
Christ. For a sec, I hope you were.

1650
01:27:15,790 --> 01:27:18,230
There are laws against fucking cattle,
mate. Even in Greece.

1651
01:27:19,290 --> 01:27:21,410
Now, I'm going to need to take that note
off you.

1652
01:27:22,020 --> 01:27:23,020
Well, you're a mate.

1653
01:27:23,760 --> 01:27:24,760
You don't mind, do you?

1654
01:27:25,300 --> 01:27:26,300
Give.

1655
01:27:28,740 --> 01:27:29,860
No, no, not at all.

1656
01:27:35,240 --> 01:27:36,580
Here you are, mate. Already rolled.

1657
01:27:36,860 --> 01:27:39,580
Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah? No
problemo.

1658
01:27:41,600 --> 01:27:45,080
I think the government's anti-drugs
campaign would be more successful if

1659
01:27:45,080 --> 01:27:47,840
they pointed out that every now and
again there's a small chance you might

1660
01:27:47,840 --> 01:27:49,160
accidentally snort some poo.

1661
01:27:59,560 --> 01:28:00,560
Simon, you alright?

1662
01:28:00,780 --> 01:28:01,780
Yeah.

1663
01:28:02,080 --> 01:28:04,520
Yeah. For the first time in my life, I
think I actually am.

1664
01:28:05,040 --> 01:28:06,040
I'm clear, anyway.

1665
01:28:06,420 --> 01:28:07,420
How'd it go with Carly?

1666
01:28:07,480 --> 01:28:08,880
Long-term good, short-term horrific.

1667
01:28:09,160 --> 01:28:10,440
Have you murdered her?

1668
01:28:10,680 --> 01:28:13,720
No, but I am starting to think that
maybe Carly's not all that. Well, it's

1669
01:28:13,720 --> 01:28:16,560
taken a while. Don't like the nether. I
think Lucy might be the one.

1670
01:28:17,160 --> 01:28:18,160
Yes, obviously.

1671
01:28:18,820 --> 01:28:20,380
Lucy's much nicer and actually likes
you.

1672
01:28:20,640 --> 01:28:23,340
But I'm worried I might have been a bit
of a dick to her. Well, you've been more

1673
01:28:23,340 --> 01:28:25,660
than a bit of a dick to her. You've been
a massive dick to her.

1674
01:28:26,200 --> 01:28:27,400
She still likes you anyway.

1675
01:28:27,660 --> 01:28:29,230
Good. That's really good.

1676
01:28:37,050 --> 01:28:38,950
Does he always strip when he's happy?

1677
01:28:39,190 --> 01:28:40,190
Yeah, normally.

1678
01:28:40,850 --> 01:28:43,150
Simon? You can't go up there. There's a
sign.

1679
01:28:43,370 --> 01:28:44,349
Oh, sign?

1680
01:28:44,350 --> 01:28:46,370
Alison, will you text Lucy and tell her
I'm coming to get her?

1681
01:28:46,650 --> 01:28:47,608
Of course I will.

1682
01:28:47,610 --> 01:28:48,610
Will you?

1683
01:28:48,870 --> 01:28:49,870
All right.

1684
01:28:50,290 --> 01:28:53,650
Yeah. What are you doing up there, Liv?
I'm going to swim back to shore and tell

1685
01:28:53,650 --> 01:28:54,650
Lucy how I feel.

1686
01:28:54,870 --> 01:28:55,870
How romantic.

1687
01:28:56,130 --> 01:28:57,130
It is, isn't it?

1688
01:29:03,720 --> 01:29:05,020
Bollocks. You can see the shore.

1689
01:29:05,300 --> 01:29:06,600
I've swum further than that underwater.

1690
01:29:07,200 --> 01:29:10,780
Do it. Just swim there and show her what
she means to you and then kiss her.

1691
01:29:11,020 --> 01:29:11,978
On the fanny.

1692
01:29:11,980 --> 01:29:13,080
Sorry, darling.

1693
01:29:21,860 --> 01:29:23,580
Right, fuck it. You only live once.

1694
01:30:41,480 --> 01:30:42,820
I think he might be drowning.

1695
01:31:23,300 --> 01:31:25,180
Simon. I think I've shit myself.

1696
01:31:31,520 --> 01:31:33,320
Lucy, it's normally bigger. It was cold.

1697
01:31:35,340 --> 01:31:38,300
One of us should probably have gone to
hospital with Simon. But to be perfectly

1698
01:31:38,300 --> 01:31:40,180
honest, we had more important things to
do.

1699
01:31:51,440 --> 01:31:57,720
This is how we like to live our life. I
got a feeling everything is going to be

1700
01:31:57,720 --> 01:32:01,380
all right. So come on, come on, come on.

1701
01:32:01,900 --> 01:32:04,300
We like to sleep all day.

1702
01:32:04,520 --> 01:32:09,520
The party of life. This is how we like
to live our life.

1703
01:32:09,760 --> 01:32:15,760
I got a feeling everything is going to
be all right. So come on, come on, come

1704
01:32:15,760 --> 01:32:18,340
on. Let's party, that's our nation.

1705
01:35:04,700 --> 01:35:11,390
He said again no he's ever

1706
01:35:11,390 --> 01:35:12,470
wanted

1707
01:35:42,510 --> 01:35:44,090
This can't be happening.

1708
01:35:45,410 --> 01:35:49,670
I said, oh Lord, this can't be
happening.

1709
01:35:51,370 --> 01:35:54,970
Going to the race, trying to drive back
to money, back and forth, trying to

1710
01:35:54,970 --> 01:35:59,970
break it. But tears left and said, it
shouldn't have been me.

1711
01:36:01,850 --> 01:36:05,990
She won't live, cause cried when she got
cross and know that she always lost.

1712
01:36:06,050 --> 01:36:07,330
Yeah, she sold it all.

1713
01:36:16,220 --> 01:36:17,980
Please come home!

1714
01:36:50,060 --> 01:36:51,060
It's gone!